Agencies preview hilarious new TV ads

The Rockall Times has obtained exclusive previews of three hilarious new television ads which will be hitting British screens later this month.

Blagger's crisps continues its productive collaboration with housewive's favourite Gary Lineker. The latest commercial features the cheeky TV football pundit bursting into a Los Angeles convenience store, firing several shots into the ceiling with a sawn-off shotgun before threatening the terrified cashier with a pistol.

After demanding that she hand over "all of the motherfuc*king crisps", Lineker takes the by now hysterical woman hostage in a 45-minute white-knuckle car chase during which he is pursued by three helicopters and 12 SWAT teams.

Brought down finally by tazers and pepper spray, Lineker is relieved of his haul by a furious Vinny Jones who insists "I'm the daddy of ex-footballing actors now, you ponce."

Our Gary is duly banged up for 12 years, but film-makers have added a hilarious twist. The final shot shows Lineker enjoying a bag of Blagger's cheese-and-onion which he cunningly concealed up his rectum just prior to capture.

A spokesman for Boggarty, Foggarty, Barney, Magrew, Cuthbert, Dibble & Grub — the agency responsible for the ad — told us: "This is the funniest one yet. We had to have three different editors cutting the film, because anyone seeing the whole thing in one go would be laughing so much they may have had to have been admitted to hospital. It's just hilarious."

But Blagger's may find that they have some competition in the merriment stakes in the shape of director Tarquin Smatherly's sensational campaign for the new Stallion 4x4 MPV.

A young man buys a new Stallion and innocently parks it outside his house. He comes out the next morning to find a busty blonde in a wet T-shirt massaging the car with her ample bosom.

He dismisses the incident, but when he next day finds a naked homosexual masturbating in the front seat, he realises that the Stallion is having a strange effect on his neighbours.

His patience finally runs out on day three as he comes across the young couple from over the road indulging in full sex across his shiny Stallion. Exasperated, he drives at high speed along very windy country roads pursued by a tornado and pyroclastic flow from an exploding volcano, both of which the Stallion handles with stylish ease.

Arriving at a remote monastery, he is amazed when, within a few seconds of seeing the Stallion, hundreds of monks and nuns are engaged in a wild and uninhibited orgy. Cue punchline: Stallion — Brings out the Devil in people.

As Smatherly explained to our still-chuckling arts correspondent: "Of course, we're not allowed to say that buying a Stallion will make you more successful with women. What we can say, however, is that the Stallion makes other people want to have sex. The idea is that if you happened to be around at the time, they might ask you to join in. It's a subtle difference, but that's the law."

Last, but by no means least, is Clueless stout's incredible £36 million black-and-white art statement. Agency Artcrunch describe the work as "challenging" in that it "demands viewer participation in the advertising process".

The thirty-second "infomertainment module" is a startling series of disjointed images set to a throbbing techno-trash backbeat goulash. Ground-breaking it may be, but it has already attracted criticism for its complete lack of belly laughs.

"You've missed the point," sniffed an Artcrunch spokeswoman. "We're not out to sell anything. This is purely aimed at the advertising awards circuit."