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Met reviews love-based solution to London gun crime

An alarming rise in British gun crime will only be halted by kids choosing to "pack a peace, not a piece", according to a secret memo issued to Britain's Police Chiefs by ex-Flying Squad boss Harvey Kite.

In the memo, 53 year-old Kite, now an unsuccessful publican, states that the only way to curb the disturbing "kids with iron" culture sweeping the nation is to persuade them through community policing that "guns that fire bullets should be replaced with love pistols, firing only warm feelings and perhaps the occasional potato chunk".

"In my 14 years in the Force, I felt my men and women were increasingly at risk from kids with guns who would just as soon shoot you in the face as ask you directions to the local swimming baths," writes Kite. "Unless we persuade young people to fire 'love' not 'lead', a whole new generation of people are going to be living in a big world of hurt."

Recent Government figures show that at least three in five children in the UK under the age of 18 have regular access to a firearm, whilst almost two in five have fired at an officer of the law from the backseat of a reconditioned Ford Escort in the last six months alone.

Speaking from Scotland Yard yesterday, Chief Inspector Dave Whitely explained how this is a situation that can't be allowed to continue: "I'm losing 14 officers a month from kids on the street pulling guns," he told The Rockall Times. "If we can persuade them to trade in their Uzis and Klashnikovs and adopt the 'pack a peace' mentality, I might be able to slash this figure and concentrate on real crime such as speeding and MP3 piracy."

If adopted, Kite's idea could form part of a larger campaign being considered by the Police known as "Stop, Search, Love", in which the one officer on the beat in each county would be given new powers to stop, search and kiss anyone whom they felt was behaving in a suspicious manner.

"It wouldn't be full tongues at first," says Whitely. "Rather a slight brush on the lips that puts the person being stopped at ease and lets them know that we, the Police, do have feelings, despite the large telescopic batons that swing majestically at our sides." Whitely does however feel that the Police may have to go further with the occasional suspect. "If things start getting rough, for example if someone asked about their rights, officers may be forced to administer a full 'Frenchie' to placate them completely. If that fails, then we'll have to repeatedly spray them with CS gas."

A final decision is expected to be made on Kite's proposals at the Annual Police Chaps Conference next week. Kite himself was unavailable for comment after being arrested yesterday on suspicion of shooting his ex-wife to death.

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