I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Car stereos hit by nostalgia crime wave

A spate of car stereo thefts across the country have left police hunting for a new breed of nostalgic thief.

Thought to have been inspired by the glut of celebrity-haircut led TV shows that review the recent past with ironic smiles, police believe this retro crime is an attempt by thieves to relive their youth through committing purely 1980s misdemeanours.

The epidemic of car stereo thefts during that era piled pressure on manufacturers who swiftly introduced safety measures including removable front covers. The craze soon died out, but thanks to people no longer bothering to remove the front, it has once again become viable.

Perversely, there is no market for the stereos and the thieves often simply dump the equipment in the nearest bin once they have smashed the car window and screwdrivered the stereo out. "These people have no intention of selling the goods," Detective Inspector H.G. Wells told The Rockall Times. "It's just for the kick. They see Jamie Theakston talking about Curly-Wurlys on the telly and then take it out on your car."

But while the police are advising motorists to go back to long-forgotten stereo safety habits, the force is fearful that stereo theft may just be the tip of a nostalgic thievery iceberg. "We had a report two weeks ago that a man's VW badge had been taken off the front of his car," DC Wells told us. "The week after, there were six. It's starting all over again."

The police's greatest fear, however, is a return to joy-riding — something that went out of fashion in the early 90s. "We've got better equipment these days," DC Wells explained. "But it's still bloody dangerous and creates all sorts of hassles. We can do without it to be frank with you."

There seems also to be increasing circumstantial evidence for the nostalgia crime wave. Sales of patchouli oil have increased by 400 per cent in the past month alone and hairdressers have reported renewed interest in ridiculous haircuts.

The police remain confident they can stamp out the problem before it escalates but have made the following public plea for assistance: "The people we are looking for will be in their late twenties to early thirties," an official police poster reads. "They will come from all walks of life but do look out for tell-tale signs. If you see anything suspicious such as people wearing luminous coloured socks or stone-washed clothing, or even a single glove, please report them immediately to your local police station.

"Equally, if someone in your office attempts to make your listen to emotionless synthesised music or suggests for a second that you can play keyboard like a guitar, immediately leave the vicinity and call 999. An armed response unit will be there in minutes."

In a bid to prevent a re-emergence of other apparently extinct pastimes, the police have also gone to the trouble of outlawing skateboards. Anyone caught being gnarly faces six months in prison, a police speed-trap operator told us.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Society’ index page