I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Gang shoots nine-month-old baby seventeen times for downloadable ringtone

A nine-month-old baby is tonight fighting for life after a gang of youths shot her SEVENTEEN times with a semi-automatic rifle during an attempted mugging.

Little Alysha Soames is said to be "stable but poorly" after the terrifying attack. Police believe the gang were after the infant's mobile phone and it's Gansta Rap ringtone version of "Mary had a little lamb".

Alysha's tearful mother Bulimia, 16, told The Rockall Times: "I'd only just bought her the mobile, and, you know what I mean, it had one of those ringtones what you get from the Net and that. Next thing this council-estate massive are, like, saying 'hand over the phone, bitch', and that, and then they just open fire."

Incredibly, the youths ignored the little girl's gold earrings and nose piercing. "It's true," said one police officer at the scene. "They just want the latest phone and ringtone. Apparently, it's about 'rispek'. I have no idea what that means. I do wish they'd at least learn to speak properly."

The attack is just the latest in a string of mobile-related assaults on young people. An expert told us: "Sadly, it appears that the only solution is not to carry a mobile phone at all. Of course, without a phone teenagers risk the ridicule of their peers and stunted social development. But at least they won't get shot. Also, they won't get a brain tumour and their ears won't fall off. It all makes perfect sense."

Meanwhile, police believe that they have a promising lead in the case. One fifteen-year-old girl has promised to identify one of the assailants in return for £20,000 and a new WAP-enabled Nokia.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘World News’ index page