Onanists welcome porn cliché clampdown

Masturbators throughout the country warmly greeted a ruling by the Porn Council today that will see unerotic and momentum-disturbing porn pictures banned from all UK jazz mags.

Under the new laws, only genuinely exciting poses reminding a viewer of the sexual act itself will be allowed and authorities will impose fines of up to £1,000 for any picture transgressing the rules.

But while many expressed delight at the change, others have mourned the loss of classic porn shots. Gone is the legendary "nipple self-suck" in which a model pulls her nipple or nipples up to her tongue and holds it long enough to smile at the camera.

Models will also be proscribed from looking at the camera when giving a blow-job. Under the new rules: "All women or men engaging in fellatio will be required to look either at the face of the penis owner or down at the penis itself."

Most controversially though, all shots which are contrived and could not form a "reasonable expectation of ongoing sexual activity" are to be binned — putting the entire threesome market at risk.

Head of the Porn Council, Peter Ramsbuckle explained the decision: "We want to bring porn into the 21st century and make it something that everyone can enjoy. At the moment there is this belief that pornography is somehow sleazy — something that is not aided by the pictures themselves," he told The Rockall Times. "The aim of the new rules is to make sure that pictures represent only sexual actions themselves and to this end any picture which makes the viewer aware that these people are merely posing for pornographic shots will be prohibited."

Looking at the camera will not be banned entirely though, with Mr Ramsbuckle accepting that "eye contact can be very stimulating". However, any such shot will need to appear to have come from one of the participants' viewpoint.

The Council did not heed calls to ban close-up shots of women's genitalia, stating in its judgement that: "A close-up shot of the vagina or anus at the end of a series of shots does not have negative connotations: it merely represents a magnification of the region a man is most likely to be staring at just prior to climax." Such close-ups shots though will, nevertheless, need to be justifiable within the narrative flow of the sequence.

The ban itself follows three years of extensive lobbying by expert masturbator and chairman of the Ethical Wanking Association, Frank Lobules. He claims to be tired of "filler flesh" pictures and said he was "absolutely delighted" by the decision.

"Not only is it off-putting to suddenly find an unlikely event pictured in a plausible series of shots, but it is also harmful since it makes the models pictured appear to be nothing but two-dimensional sex objects," Lobules told us.

We were unable to question the logic of this statement however as Lobules ran off in the direction of the gents shouting that he needed to "get some pus out".