Thames torso murder police in voodoo invocation shocker

The Metropolitan Police are to use ground-breaking techniques in an effort to discover the identity of a dismembered body that they believe was the victim of a ritualistic "voodoo" killing.

Police have been unable to determine the identity of a young male torso found floating in the River Thames last September, despite a large-scale operation involving a massive amount of paper-shuffling and an award-winning televised plea for information from Michael Barrymore. Following a recent trip to New Orleans however, a dedicated team of officers have developed a new technique specifically aimed at detecting and solving ritualistic crimes in London.

"Basically, it's a case of 'voodoo seeking voodoo' to get results" explained Detective Inspector Mary Monk of the Mets' Aquatic Death Squad. "Through extensive control of the mind and some pretty extreme make-up, a small group of officers are able to summon the kindred spirit of Tamalla, the voodoo master of all dimensions, and politely request that he assists us with our enquiries into this matter."

This case wouldn't be the first time that the police had resorted to other-worldly practices to bring about justice, with a large bulk of the evidence used to convict Jeffrey Archer being "obtained" from the Prince of Darkness at a seance on the Isle of Wight. But it symbolises a first for the authorities in using ancient voodoo techniques to reveal unsavoury goings-on.

"Initially, there was a lot of opposition to the idea of using voodoo from some of the more experienced officers who rely on outdated methods of policing such as questioning suspects and hard graft," said DI Monk. "Once we had been to New Orleans however, even my most senior colleagues were enthusiastic about the results we could achieve from dancing along the banks of the River Thames shouting 'dem bones, dem bones' — some to the point where they even choose to take their newly-acquired knowledge home. It comes in handy for finding lost keys or making the dog perform tricks for the kids."

The ancient art of voodoo originated in Africa in 1948, a direct result of a small tribe of nomads burning some dolls they had made and thinking that it was a "good idea". Soon after word spread of mysterious practices and dangerous spells, and very quickly Western businesses were supporting the voodoo culture by selling authentic "death dolls" and ferrying disease-carrying white-types over to Africa to see the natives dance like spastics to the phat beat of a drum. Several decades later, voodoo culture accepted the offer of a part in a Bond film and moved to New Orleans, where it has enjoyed the fabulous climate and delicious Cajun chicken dishes ever since.

The Metropolitan Police is hoping that their pioneering techniques will be adopted by other UK police forces in the very near future, and is launching a You do voodoo too don't you? website next month in order allay any fears on the part of the public that they have completely lost the plot.