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Zimbabwe President Will Young in Pop Idol vote rig scandal

Poofter Will Young did not win hit-show Pop Idol, a sensational memo by an ITV insider has revealed.

Millions were duped thanks to some dodgy dealing by TV executives, the memo discloses, with Zimbabwean president Morgan Tsvangirai the real winner on the night.

Tsvangirai, who's performance of Save The Last Dance For Me in the final show was described by judges as "musically exquisite", polled a massive 9.8 million phone votes, nearly two million more than Will Young and almost three million more than stuttering baby-face Gareth Gates, but ITV bosses chose to secretly discount the votes for the leader of Zimbabwe's Movement for Democratic Change party, claiming that Young "deserved to win" because it was "inevitable and we say so".

Politicians have been quick to respond to the leaked memo, with Foreign Secretary Jack Straw taking a sharp intake of breath and consulting his lucky 8-ball before commenting: "If it's proven that the Pop Idol election was rigged, as it seems it was, it's a travesty for all those in Zimbabwe who were seeking a respite from the tyranny and fear that Will Young and his cohorts represents," whispered the bespectacled one. "I've quite literally been rendered inactive with rage."

Anger at the apparent vote-fixing has spread as far as the US, with Assistant Secretary of State Bobby Schlezheimer claiming that the result could have "enormous implications" for America's relationship with the chisel-jawed singer from rural Berkshire: "In the light of this information, the USA is left with no choice but to refute the legitimacy of Young's victory, a victory we believe was obtained through means of terror and rehashed 'Doors' songs."

Schlezheimer continued: "At the very least we will consider sanctions against Will Young, but we have not discounted rushing into a messy, protracted military conflict that will be released as a limited-edition DVD boxed set next year."

In a dramatic twist to proceedings, security forces were yesterday put on high alert in Zimbabwe. Under direct orders from Young himself, police have set up roadblocks on the main approach routes to the capital Harare. It is feared by observers that Young is seeking to oust Tsvangirai from his office and physically thrash him in the streets, a sign to those around him that the current UK number one artist will not take any shi*t. "Will is sick and tired of these rumours that he didn't win fair and square," said Simone Cowbell, spokesman for Young's newly formed "Out For Justice" party. "If he needs to be seen to be harsh to his rivals in order to quell a backlash from voters, then he will not shirk from spilling some blood, or at the very least releasing an album of tawdry cover tunes and big-band garbage."

The apparent rigging of the Pop Idol voting is being seen by many as the beginning of the end for the highly charged International music industry, with unrest in Zimbabwe being described by kiddie-fiddling music commentator Jonathan King as "the tip of an angry iceberg". "I can see it all kicking-off pretty soon if rapid action isn't taken by those in power," said prisoner 41662. "I'm personally gutted however to hear that Boyz II Men are a band and not a delivery service."

As we go to press, Tsvangirai is said to be considering several offers of a record deal, and has confirmed that he will be appearing in Mother Goose this Christmas at the Basingstoke Anvil Theatre.

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