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Xbox launch is greatest event in history since Lord of the Rings

Last week's launch of Microsoft's Xbox gaming console is the greatest event in the history of the world ever, experts have confirmed.

Eclipsing the discovery of penicillin, the defeat of Nazi Germany and even the release of Lord of the Rings, the £299 black box looks set to be the most significant happening of this, or any other, millennium.

Central London was brought to a standstill for days as hundreds of thousands of gaming fans vied to be the first Xbox customers. Seven bespectacled youths were slightly hurt during a wild stampede provoked by the news that one store had pictures of the draft artwork for the Latin-American packaging of the Xbox's limited-edition 110V power supply. There were no arrests.

Initial feedback has been positive. One acne-crippled adolescent told The Rockall Times: "The graphics are simply jaw-dropping. I mean, my jaw just hit the floor — literally." A small plaster on his chin seemed to confirm the claim.

But while the Xbox has proved an instant hit with gamers, industry insiders note that Microsoft must now produce games to match its mind-boggling performance. Not a problem, according to one spokesman: "We've got an incredible schedule of releases for 2002. If I were Lara Croft I'd be sitting at the back of a dark cave pissing myself."

Indeed, queues have already started to form around email inboxes in anticipation of Friday's press release in which Microsoft will announce its provisional 2002 games roadmap. The Rockall Times has, however, obtained a copy of the release which shows how the company will take gaming into a new, gob-smacking dimension.

Flagship of the Xbox fleet will be George™ Lucas'™ Star™ Wars™ Trailer™ Queue™ Pro™. Designed primarily for broadband online interactive play, the game allows fans to form an orderly queue for the trailer preview of Star™ Wars™ II™ — The Return of the Marketing Machine.

Tacking neatly into the line is Zimbabwe Election 2002, a hilarious nail-biter where up to four players can fight it out to become president of their own African republic. Although the result is always a foregone conclusion, gamers must scour the country collecting ballot boxes which they can then trade for armed gangs and attack white farms. Microsoft is keen to stress the educational content, noting: "It's a fun way to learn about the democratic process."

And, bringing up the rear, is Bill Gates' Virtual Monopoly in which evangelical computer software salesmen battle for control of the world's operating systems, grant exclusive licences and eliminate rival internet browsers. Excitingly, it's the world's first pay-as-you-go online game. Players must enter their credit card details and are debited considerable sums to progress between levels. Microsoft is keen to stress the educational content, noting: "It's a fun way to learn about international capitalism."

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