UK kiddies in smack fix outrage

A government-commissioned survey into "yoof lifestyle" has found that children aged between 11 and 15 are using drugs more than ever, with the majority getting whacked out on crazy junk every 17 seconds of the day.

The survey, carried out because the government is keen to find out where to get the best deals on "street dope" for themselves, also highlights that a sizeable number of kids have used a prostitute called Back Alley Sally in the past six months, and that in the heart of London, 66 per cent of boys under the age of 11 have pimped their sister to the highest bidder in order to score a fistful of "uncle powder", a particularly powerful drug being imported into the UK by gangs of public school pupils.

"It's all due to a combination of peer pressure and the ongoing quest for a 'mega' high," said Nigel Speed-Ball, spokesman for the UK Headteachers Association. "When you've got a playground full of unwashed urchins all puffing on the sweetest Morrocan blend, what chance does middle-class Johnny have of staying off the gear? I say none whatsoever, so before long he's piping pure smack into his veins and pawning his XBox to get cash for his next fix."

This unspeakably newsworthy situation is further compounded by a hardcore of British teachers who persist in dealing direct to the children in their care. These teachers, known in schools as Pusher Sirs, run a lucrative business that they claim is necessary to supplement their meagre wages. Speaking exclusively to The Rockall Times, one anonymous teacher revealed the extent of the classroom dealing: "I ship between 30 and 40 kilos of blow, smack, crack and other narcotics each week, and the kids just keep lapping it up," confided the teacher. "Sometimes they threaten to grass me up if I don't cut them some sort of special deal, but they soon shut up after I twat them across the head with the butt of my pistol and make them do two laps of the sports field — then they're putty in my hands."

The results of this survey are bound to deal a huge blow to the government, who are currently looking at relaxing their stance on all manner of illicit drug use. Speaking today in a large pair of Stevie Wonder style shades being worn to promote "Blind Can be Cool!" week, home secretary David Blunkett gave his initial response to the findings: "I have now felt every aspect of this survey, and early indications are that it is printed on top quality stationery and is about 100 pages long. Christ knows what colour it is though."

The use of drugs to facilitate a good time stretches back hundreds of years, with Henry VIII believed to have started the craze for recreational use by regularly smoking fat reefers with his Bitches of the Royal Court. Other celebrity drug monkies include Arthur Conan-Doyle, Barbara Windsor and Prince Charles, his Highness being known to enjoy the occasional snort of coke before giving stirring speeches on architecture and plants.