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Fergie gives Aussies a wedgie

The Duchess of York, who arrived in Australia last week, is now in Melbourne to show the locals a thing or two about tableware, waistlines and her new creative pastime — poetry.

Although Fergie is here officially to promote Wedgewood and Weight Watchers she has timed her visit for the release of her new book of poems, Some Royals Have Bum Boils.

The book has caused a storm of controversy with raunchy verses about Prince Andrew, Princess Margaret and life at the top of the international jet-set.

Although the book makes no reference to Liz Two — which many Australians would find too hard to bear — there are bedtime rhymes about other royals that would have any Windsor heading for Reading.

The new book comes as no surprise to many royal-watchers who consider it only natural after the success of Koo Stark as a photographer. The young porn-star, rumoured to be Randy Andy's one true love, rose to the giddy heights of Mapplethorpe or Beaton after the Prince was told by his royal Mum that she would never do.

Now Fergie is following in her footsteps with poems that could take her swiftly to laureateship. In keeping with her tough approach to staying on top, she has penned such classic lines as: "My red minge Made the prince unhinge", and "Great Wall of China, You can kiss my vagina".

Members of the royal family who once cocked a snoop at Fergie are now copping it in the rollicking rhymes.

Much-loved Princess Margaret, who recently passed in the royal marble, once wrote to Fergie, "You are a liar, a thief, a whore, a murderer and a traitor to England".

In her new book Fergie gets a chance to put her own side of the story and has this to say about her ex-auntie-in-law:

"The late Princess Mag was an awful slag.
No English rose, she shoved coke up her nose
Till her head went numb and then up her bum
Went many a man with shades and a tan.
Liz Two's sister — I'm glad I pissed her."

Most Australian professionals and those in positions of importance still believe wholeheartedly that the British royal family are the true and proper rulers of the Lucky Country. A recent referendum gave a landslide victory to the monarchists when Australian citizens were asked if they would rather continue with Liz Two as the head of state or scrap the entire constitution and hand over power to the Idginimbits tribe of nomadic aboriginals from the deserts of Western Australia.

Prime minister Mr John Howerd is a confirmed Regina fan. "I hold myself in awe of her. Whenever I think of Australia without a queen I have to take myself in hand, really get a grip on myself, pull myself together, take myself off and put my hand where my heart is," said Mr Howerd today.

Fergie spent the day autographing copies of her new work, priced at Au$25, at Bludgers Books in central Melbourne. When asked what her feelings now were about Prince Andrew she quoted from her book:

"Prince Andrew is a big boy
To him a woman is a toy.
The land, the cars, the job, the cash,
They're nothing when it comes to gash.
He is a snob
With a big knob,
Driven e'er by thoughts of rooting,
What that boy needs now is shooting."

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