Government plays down catastrophic consequences of hunt ban

Rural comunities across the UK are tonight united in goggle-eyed disbelief at a government report outlining plans to minimise the effects of a total ban on fox hunting.

It has been widely reported that such a ban would spell disaster for the countryside since hunting with dogs creates 98 per cent of all rural jobs.

"If the ban goes ahead, it will mean levels of despair and self-pity not seen since foot-and-mouth," sobbed one farmer. "In this village alone, 63,000 jobs depend directly on fox hunting. Vets, farriers, saddlemakers, stockbrokers, advertising executives — how are they going to feed their bairns? And then there are the dogs. If hunting goes, we'll have to slaughter them all with baseball bats."

Within a year, it is claimed, millions of starving and landless peasants will have no choice but to form themselves into an impromptu militia and march on London. As tradition dictates, Lord Mayor Ken Livingstone would then be obliged to confront the rabble armed with nothing more than a sword and a green felt hat.

The government has, however, been quick to play down the potential repercussions. "There are plenty of opportunities for retraining," one junior minister told The Rockall Times. "Dry stone waller, Range Rover mechanic, EU subsidy collector, the list is endless."

"I wish it were true," lamented one Kent fruit grower. "I'd love to employ UK citizens on the fruit harvest, but crippling legislation means that I'd have to pay them in money, rather than straw, which is what my Albanian gypsies get."

Meanwhile, a crack team of government scientists have formulated what they believe may be a solution to the spectre of rural famine. "They can eat the dogs," said a representative. "It's about time they embraced Korean fusion cuisine out there in the elephant grass. And when the dogs run out, they can eat the horses. You know, like they do in France. Alternatively, they could always move back to London where there is an excellent selection of top-class restaurants."