Tube arrives on time due to strike action

London Underground today apologised unreservedly for the successful arrival of a tube train at its destination on time. A spokesman put the blamed tube workers' union, the RMT.

The anomaly comes just two days after RMT members voted to work to rule over a bonus given to train driver for stopping a train at the correct position on the platform. A ballot taken on threats to change the service saw 130 per cent of RMT members vote in favour of action.

RMT was unrepentent today, saying in a statement: "Until such time as management recognises the rights of drivers to stop trains where they want, our members will continue to allow trains to arrive on time. It is not our job to run trains on time. Our members usually vote with their feet when a train grinds to a halt. But if management want to behave like dictators then the trains will continue to run punctually."

Further details of the RMT action plan were leaked to the press, prompting management fury. These include:

• No incidents on the line. Members will refrain from irritating or goading passengers or throwing debris off the platform
• Train arrival time indicators will have their random number generator turned off
• All fuses to be put back into escalators
• The specialist pro-terror stationmaster group will stop leaving unattended bags at stations and concentrate on bus stops
• The "Double-L" team (stands for "leaves on the line") will take a break to restock in Norway

London Underground said that they would never give in to such guerrilla tactics. "During WWII, the Germans tried to make us run on time. It didn't work then and it won't work now," noted one becapped middle manager. "Admittedly we did have a 17 per cent increase in arrival promptness between 19:39 and 19:45 but that was just an early evening blip."

LU further stated that if more trains arrived on time then fare prices would have to go down to compensate. "More staff will come into work on time, our public service will improve and morale will crash and burn," a spokesman candidly admitted. "It's a disaster. Frankly, only PPP can stop this downward spiral of efficiency."