Queen Mum snuffs it

Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, has passed on. She is no more. She had ceased to be. She's expired and gone to meet her maker. She's a stiff etc etc.

As TV news anchormen and newly-christened Royal experts everywhere put on their special sincere voice, millions of everyday UK citizens texted their friends and relatives asking if they'd heard.

Many switched on their TV to hear a celebrity news-haircut tell them the same information again and again, over and over until their ears bled or the National Lottery came on — whichever was earlier.

Meanwhile, words like "sombre", "tragic", "tremendous" and "bedside" were placed into every sentence as a mark of respect. Some mourners rushed down to Buckingham Palace to bask in the funereal glow, repeating stock platitudes to any camera crew they could find and local shops reported a shortage of eye-drops.

For many that have followed the Queen Mother through her 79 years in the Royal Family there was genuine sadness. For most though it was a chance to make themselves the centre of attention by drawing spurious connections between her death and their own lives.

If there have been caps, they have been doffed and there have been critics who have been duffed. But while some observers have commented on the Queen Mum's detachment from the real, non-Royal world — so often confused for grace — there is no doubt that the woman herself has followed the grand tradition of the British Battleaxe.

Apparently dying peacefully in her sleep, she reached the ripe old age of 101, not bad considering the amount of gin she's put in her. She has also had to deal with her husband dying when she was 51 and her youngest daughter dying just this year. But on the plus side, she's never had to worry about money and has spent billions of pounds of taxpayers' money over the years, with only 62 per cent of them resenting the fact.

She was a tough old bird, no one will doubt it, and with the rest of her family managing to make complete arses of themselves in the past 20 years, she has become probably the most popular Royal. Of course, she was also ruthless, emotionally cold, a lush, terrifying and never very good looking even when she was young. But since she's now dead, we shall gloss over that.

The old girl's corpse will lie in state later this week, and queues of up to 30 miles are expected to form around Westminster Abbey as the British indulge in their favourite sport of sobbing in line. Her funeral is, however, likely to be fairly low-key since everyone still remembers Diana's epic send-off — which was massive cause she was much fitter, died young and had been putting it about a bit.

Despite this, The Rockall Times would like to extend to the late Queen Mother a genuine and almighty "Gawd bless yer ma'am".

Oh, and we nearly forgot, she had the common touch and will be fondly remembered for hanging around bombed houses during the Blitz.