Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

Regular readers will doubtless be shocked by Tory MP Toby Rubpubbly's recent tabloid assault on the nation's "degenerate sexual morality".

Citing a flood of "buggery, frottage and water sports" as the direct cause of the nation's malaise, Rubpubbly further expressed his disgust at the huge numbers of young women who are apparently queuing, tongues a-quiver, to "drink at the fountain of Sappho".

Let's be frank: It's time that Rubpubbly got with the programme. A quick straw poll among female staff at The Erotic Digest proved conclusively that not one had refused an invitation to sail into the harbour of Lesbos.

Excitable office girl Gemma confirmed that she often dives for clams in the aforementioned port, her appetite for seafood undiminished by her equally enthusiastic consumption of raw pork. There then followed a lengthy — and, in my view, unnecessarily technical — debate on the comparative merits of clitoral and labial piercings.

Indeed, by way of illustration, Gemma is at this moment hobbling around the office with a hole-punch suspended from a chain attached to her "beef curtains", much to the delight of the team of window cleaners outside.

The fact is that girl-on-girl is the UK new woman's equivalent of the Palestinian suicide bomb attack. As soon as she's sixteen, she straps on some equipment, and "bang". Now that's making the earth move.

So, despite this seemingly inescapable tsunami of vaginal juices, I have some bad news for my sisters: I don't do Lesbian. Over my dead body.

Don't get me wrong. I too can see the possible cardio-vascular benefits of a brisk stroll up the thickly-forested Mount of Venus. And to successfully conquer its peak wihout having to stop every five minutes to ask directions is indeed a liberating idea.

But not all of us feel that satisfaction requires such a taxing level of aerobic exertion or love of sea air. Frankly, who can deny that there is much to be said for lying completely rigid on the bed, eyes closed, while your partner relieves himself manually into a tissue? Not my mother, that's for sure, and she's been happily married for 53 years.

Rowan Raunchbitch is Editor of The Erotic Digest

Next month: Tongues