Revealed: The solution to the War on Terror™

There's been a lot of fuss made over these attacks in New York City last year. Don't get me wrong, it was a ghastly, terrible event and something had to be done. But just look at what has happened since.

The United States with our help has up-ended the government of Afghanistan, leaving all the blasted tribesmen to hide in the mountains and take pot shots at our boys on the ground. Now, it would seem that actually getting them out of the caves and into open ground is a lot harder than anyone thought.

And by all accounts, they're a tough bunch. Fought off the bloody Bolsheviks, didn't they? But I digress. We have been left holding the baby while Afghan warlords fight it out among themselves and now the States is harping on about attacking Iraq. Dear oh dear, they'll never build an empire that way. Make sure you've got one place running tickety-boo before you take over someone else. Someone should tell that to Mr Bush. As the chaps at the club used to say: Never leave any city before it has at least two tennis courts and a good-quality croquet pitch.

But I digress. It's all a bit of a mess and they still have not found that Bin Laden fellow or the head of the old Afghan government. The worst thing is though: it could all have been solved by now if someone had had the good sense to introduce a careful system of partitioning.

If rather than giving the Taliban government an ultimatum, Her Majesty's Government had sent a qualified partitionist to sort out the mess, we could have had Bin Laden in the dock where he belongs and not have had to drop so many blasted bombs.

I have never been to Afghanistan myself but in the hands of a skilled operator a country can be effectively partitioned in a matter of weeks. I myself spent just six weeks splitting British India into Pakistan, India, Kashmir and Bangladesh and despite some occasional griping by the locals, that all worked out fine.

But in wondering how Afghanistan ought to be split up, I took time out to talk to my old friend Sir Mortimer Durand who spent many years in the area and was the man behind the Pakistan/Afghanistan border. He agreed entirely with me on the partitioning idea. As Morty explained, it was his unenforced border that has enabled Bin Laden and the other fellow to escape our clutches.

You see, Morty's border unfortunately ran smack through the middle of the Pashtun tribe. It was a terrible shame but sometimes a partitionist has to make tough decisions. Anyway, there were the inevitable complaints — separating families and tribes that have together for thousands of years, that sort of thing.

So Morty reasonably suggested relocating all the Pashtun either to one side of the line or the other. Of course, being an oddly passionate people and blind when their passions got the better of them, this idea was rejected and so they had to live separately.

The problem was that no one then enforced the border. And when it expired in 1993, no one had to good sense to formalise it either. The Pakistanis appear to have come to their senses (despite much complaining at the time, I seem to remember) and want the border, but now the Afghans are once again making a fuss.

Since the border was not enforced with the threat of lethal force, the Pashtun tribe kept communicating with each other. As such, when the time came to trap that rat Bin Laden in Afghanistan, we couldn't rely on the border. Too much old school tie and funny handshakes, you see.

An absolute disgrace and proof, were it needed, that partitioning is not only the most efficient way to sort out this conflict but in fact the only solution.

It is for this reason I have carefully studied maps of the region and decided upon a new layout of four different countries that will see this dreadful mess sorted out and Bin Laden trapped in his squalid cave for us to pick up as and when we want to.

Hopefully the prime minister will see sense and implement my plan as soon as is practicable. Say three to four weeks.

Sir Cyril Radcliffe drew up the internationally-recognised borders for India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Kashmir in 1947. He lists his hobbies as croquet, gin and lingerie.