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Pearly Queen Mum's 'Gawd bless yer Ma'am' UK tour a roaring success

The Pearly Queen Mum's UK tour has broken all previous Royal box-office records, we can reveal.

The punishing schedule of gigs — which kicked off at Sandringham on 30 March before taking in Queen's Chapel, St James's Palace and Westminster Hall — has so far pulled in an impressive 400,000 punters eager to have their hearts touched by the versatile all-rounder.

For many, the highlight has been the warm-up procession before the Westminster Hall performance where, accompanied by her backing band the artists still widely known as Princes Charles, Edward and Andrew, the Pearly Queen Mum wowed the crowds by coming on stage atop a gun carriage wearing her state crown and surrounded by Irish Guards.

"What a show!" enthused one temp secretary who had queued for eleven months for the chance to wallow in self-pity. "I used to be a big 'Queen of Hearts' fan, but this makes her farewell tour a bit lame. Di was a class act, but she didn't really have the 'common touch', did she? Well, except when she was touching commoners."

But if the Pearly Queen Mum fan-club is wondering how she will top that stunning performance, the best may be yet to come. Tomorrow's Westminster Abbey date is expected to eclipse even last week's star-studded extravaganza of pomp and ceremony. The highlight of the show is a guest appearance by The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr George Carey, who is expected to perform the Pearly Queen Mum's best-selling wartime hit My old man's a Royal. Older poor readers may recall this Blitz classic which, during London's darkest hour, more than compensated for the loss of their houses and loved ones at the hands of the Luftwaffe:

My old man's a Royal, he wears a Royal crown.
He lives in a fuc*king big palace,
In the middle of London Town.

"Oh yes, I remember it well," one tearful octogenarian East End washerwoman told The Rockall Times. "Of course, she was a double act then, along with 'Stammering George'. His stand-up routine was hilarious. We'd all get round the old joanna and belt out a few bars while the bombs whistled around our ears. She had the common touch, make no mistake. Gawd bless 'er."

The blockbusting tour will then end with an intimate acoustic set at St George's Chapel, Windsor. The Pearly Queen Mum has declined an offer to duet will Pop Idol winner Will Young at her daughter's golden jubilee celebrations and is expected to announce her permanent retirement from the stage.

Pearly Queen Mum fans can get a free CD of My old man's a Royal with The Mail on Sunday's 700-page pull-out photo tribute.

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