Canadian clubbing season sparks London protests

As Canadians wax their baseball bats in preparation for the upcoming seal hunt on the ice floes off the coast of Newfoundland, angry Londoners queued up on a cold Saturday morning outside Harrods determined to discover what imported Canadian goods they could find and then boycott.

"They're all a bunch of savages, aren't they?" fumed Trevor St. John Brimley. His 14-year-old daughter Jessica added: "I don't think Canadians should kill baby seals." Everyone in the swelling angry mob outside the landmark London department store shouted their assent. Another protester added: "I 'eard one year they even took a swing at Brigitte Bardot." Mutters of "animals" were clearly audible.

The Canucks are unrepentant: "I make no apology for participating in a great Canadian tradition" puffa-jacketed lawyer Brian Gilmour told The Rockall Times in a telephone interview. Gilmour continued: "You know, most people outside Canada think it's just a few Newfies getting sloshed and smacking a bunch of seal pups on the head, but in actual fact many Canadians from all walks of life enjoy 'dusting off the club'."

Gilmour — who works for Toronto law firm Knowlton and Slash — rightly depicts the universal popularity of the event within his country. Statistics collected by the Canadian government show that as much as one third of the population will board trains, buses, bush planes and even dog sleds bound for the coast of Labrador in order to satisfy their primordial blood lust.

When the doors to Harrods were finally opened the spirited mob of protesters marched in determined to refuse to buy Canadian goods. Their pluck and energy soon gave way to disappointment and despair however as they discovered that every Canadian-looking item was either Scottish or Norwegian. "I was convinced that that centre-parted mullet toupee over there was Canadian. Turned out to be part of the Rudi Voller leisure range," one disappointed non-shopper shrugged. After an uneventful two hours, most had decided a spot of tea was in order and after that a quick perusal of the train schedules.

But, just as the last of the defeated protesters were heading for the exits having dismally failed to vent their British spleen, Charlotte Wilson of Basingstoke let out a slightly embarrassed whoop as she discovered a five ounce wheel of OKA cheese. As Trevor and Jessica Brimley and the other few remaining protesters crowded around, Wilson expounded her absolute conviction that OKA cheese was produced in the Quebec town of Oka, a significant cheese-making centre a mere 3,000 miles from the nearest seal bashing.

Suitably enraged, Wilson then placed the small wheel of cheese firmly back onto its display table before making her way to the Harrods fur department to try on a few coats.