Powell in West Bank ultimatum

In a conference peppered with sniggers and knee slapping, American Secretary of State Colin Powell gave the Bush administration's harshest words regarding recent military actions by the Israeli army against the Palestinians.

"Israel totally has to withdraw from Palestinian lands or face harsh retribution from the US and our allies... including Israel." Powell then cracked up laughing, claiming: "Wait, wait, I can do this...really."

Bracketing his words with the "quotation marks finger gesture", Powell described Israel’s latest incursion onto the Palestinian West Bank, as "really, really 'bad'", and "a serious 'bummer' for those Palestinian dudes" shortly before winking one eye and nudging Israeli leader Adolf Sharon in the ribs. Powell continued: "Israel’s armed forces must engage a sustained and meaningful withdrawal from the West Bank... Jeez, did I just say that out loud?"

The Secretary’s fierce denunciation of recent activities in Ramallah, Nablus and other West Bank towns were the strongest signal yet that the Bush administration is ready to make a stand against one of its strongest allies after a protracted silence from Washington regarding the increased Israeli occupation of Palestinian-controlled areas.

"We understand some people have been killed, and we must underscore that the US and the world will not tolerate unilateral military action, genocidal massacres or putting innocent civilians in harm’s way," Powell said before aides escorted the hysterical Secretary from the podium.

Meanwhile, British premier Tony Blur has confirmed that he will dispatch ventriloquist Keith Harris and puppet Orville who will tell Sharon in "an irritating squeaky voice" that the spiral of violence must end — or else.