Scientists discover new order of insects

Scientists have discovered a new order of insects — the first since 1914. In what is being hailed as a major scientific breakthrough, they have placed two specimens in the order (called Selfobsessianidae).

It was revealed that one had been held in a US television studio after spending five years awaiting classification. Another was found trapped in the bathroom of a £45 million Hertfordshire mansion.

The insects, which are about two metres high and between one and two centimetres wide, look like a cross between a stick insect and a preying mantis. The bugs are not thought to eat anything since the stomachs of both specimens contained absolutely nothing.

Scientists have so far named two species — Anorexia flockhartia and Halliwellia insecuritata. A leading entomologist told The Rockall Times: "Physiologically, they are totally unique. It seems incredible that they have survived at all, given their physical and mental fragility."

Sadly, though, the new specimens may soon be lost to science. Experts have confirmed that Halliwellia insecuritata is threatened with extinction due to public indifference, while Anorexia flockhartia faces oblivion after her US network failed to renew her contract. "It seems that extreme litheness is not the key evolutionary advantage these creatures believed it to be," noted a grim-faced Darwinian.