IRA to blame for Special Branch illegal ops

Fresh evidence taken from a dusty drawer proves categorically than the IRA is to blame for illegal operations carried out on the terrorist network by UK Special Branch officers.

The revelations are sure to provoke insipid promises by politicians to bring someone to bear over whatever it is they are responsible for or face two months of extensive talks after which the whole thing will have been forgotten.

Among the incredible revelations — found after Special Branch officers raided some houses in a republican area of Northern Ireland — is that the IRA is responsible for the deaths of dozens of innocent people. Not only that but the police have reason to believe the organisation possesses undeclared guns and even explosives.

A Special Branch spokesman told stunned reporters: "We believe the IRA may be responsible for past violence in Northern Ireland. Clear evidence, were it needed, that we were right to break the law continually over two decades in an attempt to murder as many of them as possible."

Chillingly, the IRA files also possessed out-of-date information on Conservative MPs who were in the cabinet ten years ago. They were being sent back to Northern Ireland from the mainland in order to be updated, presumably with Labour MPs, the spokesman said.

The event was marred however by one reporter who suggested that files were nothing but an attempt to move attention and blame onto the IRA after the Castlereagh break-in that had clearly been done by MI5 or the Northern Ireland police service in order to undermine Special Branch, who are just as ruthless with people supposedly on their side as they are with terrorists.

"Grab that IRA sympathiser when he leaves and given him special treatment," the spokesman was heard to say to an officer. "And I don't want the body turning up in a few weeks. Do a proper job."