Secret bunker throws light on Winnie's wartime world of porn

The unearthing of a secret World War II bunker in London has unveiled a fascinating glimpse into the life of Winston Churchill, revealing that the cigar-chomping Prime Minister spent most of the war effort watching hardcore pornography and calling his mates for free on a big red phone.

The discovery of the bunker, in the London suburb of Neasden, has forced historians to re-evaluate the role of Churchill and his government during the war, and could potentially point to the fact that Germany was defeated not by plucky British determination and exquisite military tactics, but rather sheer luck.

"What we've found is truly staggering," said Dr. David Storkney, head of Anti-Nazi studies at King's College, London. "There are piles upon piles of mucky films, and thousands of phone records showing Churchill calling his friends to arrange drinking and gambling binges. Whilst his people were being bombed to bits, all the evidence suggests that the Prime Minister was bent double in pleasure knocking one off the wrist — it's quite an eye opener."

The bomb-proof government hide-out, originally codenamed "Don't Look Here Nazis", was unearthed by builders as they prepared the ground above for an ethnic lesbian single mother drop-in centre, and was unexpectedly revealed when a young plasterer fell through a makeshift floor into a large room covered in original 1930s posters of Geri Halliwell. Such was the impact of the discovery on the fatally injured man, his last words are reported as being "It absolutely stinks of history down here lads — phwoarrr!!!"

Historical records show that Churchill spent most of World War II holed up in the bunker, yet surprisingly he never acknowledged its existence after the end of the conflict. "It seems that the Prime Minister wished to keep the bunker a secret long after the Hun was thrashed, primarily so it could be used by successive governments in times of crisis," said Dr. Storkney. "There's even evidence that the bunker was used as recently as the late 1990s by the current government, with graffiti on the walls stating 'Peter M. loves Tony' and 'Archer must die'. It's anyone's guess what those mysterious scrawlings mean though."

Future plans for the bunker are currently unclear, with local residents favouring the conversion of the massive complex into a much needed state-of-the-art cancer hospital. Despite this, the owners of the land see a brighter future for the bunker. "We feel that the local community would be best served by a purpose-built fast food arena," stated Hilary Champion-Smythe, General Manager for the Neasden Housing Association.

"We are currently considering several very promising offers that would see the heritage and history of the site preserved, but also the kebab and burger requirements of the surrounding area serviced for the foreseeable future. These are truly exciting times for those who love their food and history fast!"

Winston Churchill was unavailable for a rousing monologue.