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That Arial Sharon war crimes trial in full

Following Israel's recent incursions into the West Bank and Gaza, and amid international calls for an enquiry into its army's conduct there, The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that Hollywood scriptwriters have already completed a first draft for the Ariel Sharon war crimes trial, and have submitted it for approval to the US State Department.

And we can confirm that the 4,000-page document — assuming there are no last-minute rewrites — will ensure peace in the Middle East and justice for the Palestinians. We reproduce an extract here for the first time:

Scene: INT. DAY. A packed and hushed courtroom as the trial against Adolph Sharon approaches its climax. Sharon, flanked by two US marines, looks unconcerned as the judges review the evidence for the final time.

JUDGE: And so, Mr Sharon, would you please repeat to the court your movements on the night of 15-16 April 2002?

SHARON: As I have said already, I was playing Mah Jong with my mother's sister.

JUDGE: And so you had no knowledge of events inside the Jenin refugee camp which resulted in the slaughter of hundreds of Palestinians?

SHARON: How could I have? Like I said, we played Mah Jong and then watched Fiddler on the Roof.

JUDGE: Yes, I very much enjoyed Topol's performance. Do you have the soundtrack album?

SHARON: I'm sorry, I lent it to Yasser Arafat.

JUDGE: I see. Therefore, Mr Sharon, it is safe to say that — occupied as you were with Mah Jong and Fiddler on the Roof — you could not possibly have had any influence over events on that fateful occasion?

SHARON: No.

JUDGE: Would it not be reasonable to suggest that, as Israeli Prime Minister, you might have in fact had intimate knowledge of your own country's military activities?

SHARON: [Irritated] I received a call from the commander-in-chief and he said: "Adolf, I'm just off to get me some of those suicide-bombing folks." I told him to take care and be careful with the bulldozers.

JUDGE: But is it not also the case that you were responsible for the massacre of hundreds of Palestinian civilians in the Sabra and Chatila camps 18 years ago which saw you removed from government at the time?

SHARON: Ach. That was just a couple of the boys getting carried away. Which is what we did to most of the bodies — carried them away [laughs].

JUDGE: I must say, Mr Sharon, that I find your petulant and dismissive attitude to these charges completely incredible.

Sharon jumps angrily to his feet and is about to launch into a diatribe when he is pre-empted by a furious Slobodan Milosevic.

MILOSEVIC: [Via interpreter] This trial is a farce. You have no jurisdiction over events in sovereign territory.

JUDGE: Mr Milosevic, you are in the wrong court. You trial is next door.

MILOSEVIC: Bollocks to that. I refuse to recognise the authority of this fuc*king court and the fuc*king court next door. You are the spawn of the mothers of Satan and the earth is scorched with the acid of the lies pouring out of your throat. I call as my first witness Attila the Hun...

Milosevic's mike goes dead and he is led from the room muttering ancient Serb curses.

SHARON: I'm with Slobba on this one. You seem to have forgotten one crucial thing — the Nazis murdered six million Jews in the 40s, so we can do what we fuc*king well like.

JUDGE: By God, you're right. Case dismissed.

SHARON: Hold on a minute. What about some compensation?

JUDGE: Agreed. I award the defendant 10 years' unconditional US military and political support, plus immunity from censure in perpetuity.

The court erupts in wild cheering and a hearty rendition of If I were a rich man, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da...

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