Wombles launch armed onslaught on Kensington

Just before dawn yesterday, the guests of the Park Lane hotel awoke to the sound of machine gun fire and tanks rolling through the park outside their windows. They were hearing the ominous sound of a Womble invasion — the first direct armed intervention in Hyde Park since the 30-second war in 1983.

The invasion, which a spokeswomble described as a "limited operation of containment and uprooting of pest infrastructure" was met with aerial bombardment by isolated flocks of birds, and the occasional nut-sniper. There has been little access to the park since yesterday morning, and the RSPCA and RSPB say they are increasingly concerned about what may be happening in the area. There have been reports of Womble conscripts felling trees with baby sparrows still in them, and throwing injured rabbits into the boating lake. RSPCA spokesman Violet Boregard described the situation as "desperate", and called on the international community to demand an immediate withdrawal of the Wombles.

President Bulgaria has become increasingly bellicose in recent weeks, asserting the right of the citizens of the common to "Be able to Womble freely". Bulgaria declared from his war room: "The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we, and we demand the right, enshrined in the international law and guaranteed by the recently-formed International Criminal Court, to peaceful enjoyment of the things the everyday folk leave behind. Underground or overground, we make good use of the things that we find."