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IRA responsible for deaths, shocked Congress told

Senators at the US Congress listened in stunned silence today as they heard incredible revelations concerning the peace-loving, community group the Irish Republican Army (IRA).

According to a new report, while most within the IRA help to organise charity fairs, workshops for the unemployed and football matches for disadvantaged children, a hardcore within the organisation are responsible for the intimidation and even murder of people that disagree with its aims.

The report, which was commissioned after some holidaying members of the group were wrongly arrested by Colombian police looking for terrorists, comes as a shock to many decent Americans who firmly believed the IRA to be a really nice bunch of fellas who shared their love of target shooting.

Amazingly, the report says that some of the group's activities could even be construed as terrorism. "A large number of IRA members visited Colombia in the past six months," the report read. "Where they were seen to head towards the safe zone established in the south of the country to help the peace talks." There, they talked extensively with members of the FARC organisation, which is currently in conflict with the government.

It is this fact, the report claims, that may leave the IRA open to accusations of terrorism. "We know of FARC as a terrorist organisation and as such by the IRA helping them, it could be argued that the IRA is also acting as a terrorist."

The revelation risks sending the US government's new foreign policy into chaos. The system — introduced by President Dubya after the 5 November attacks — consists of a blackboard with a line down the middle. Groups throughout the world are then divided into "Bad Terrorists" and "Good Terrorists". The flaw in the system however is Dubya's insistence that each group be put in either one section or the other, but not both.

The flames of rumour have also be fanned by the failure of Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams to attend a committee hearing he had been invited to. Mr Adams told representatives he couldn't do it this time around but he'd be sure to pop by next time he was in Washington drumming up funds. Many were unconcerned however since Sinn Fein hasn't got anything to do with the IRA. The two are completely different. Like chalk and cheese really.

Nevertheless, feeling is hardening towards the group, with many Americans who bizarrely claim to be Irish now bizarrely claiming not to be so Irish after all. One told us: "I can't believe that they are in Colombia — them's terrorists, you know. I not sending one more gun until I get a proper explanation."

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