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Pope threatens American cardinal 'bitches'

Pope John Paul II has slammed his American cardinals during a meeting in Vatican City in the light of reports of wide-spread child abuse by Catholic priests in the United States.

Flanked by two menacing Swiss Guards who had exchanged their traditional pikes for knuckle-dusters, John Paul continued his tradition of addressing audiences in their respective vernaculars, telling the cardinals: "I should open up a can of whup-ass on each and every one of you."

The enraged pontiff then made it clear who was in charge of the Church, by warning in a heavy New York accent: "Youse better listen to da Holy Faddah."

With help from his long-time English language coach, Father Massimo Giocca, the Pope prepared for this latest meeting by watching several American films including Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Pulp Fiction, it was revealed.

According to an inside source the Pope was in no mood for excuses. When Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston attempted to explain his actions the pontiff interrupted: "Button it mister or I'll come over there and plant my slippered-foot so far up your ass, your breath will smell like silk."

The outpouring continued for over three hours, but church scholars say this sort of harangue is not unheard of.

According to the Vatican's chief archivist Father Umberto Spiccalata: "The American cardinals got off easy. Sixtus IV once yelled so continuously and ferociously during an ecclesiastical council that he lost his voice and asked Tomas de Torquemada to take over for a couple of days. Let me tell you, we ended up with a few extra red skull caps when that one was all over if you know what I mean."

Some cardinals emerged defiant however. Despite the dogma of the Pope's infallibility, one cardinal who asked not to be named said he thought that the "litany of threatened ass-punishments was counter-productive".

Others showed concerned over the Pope's use of coarse language. More than one cardinal wondered aloud if perhaps John Paul II's English language coach might not be having a little fun at the expense of the mentally enfeebled pontiff.

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