Take that, you stinking leech!

Illegal immigrants caught trying to sneak into the UK for the first time are to be taken to the offices of the Daily Mail and whipped, Parliament revealed today.

The government is bringing in a new law to help stem the flow of immigrants by using the unlimited xenophobic resources of Middle England's favourite newspaper to teach them a lesson they won't forget.

The Scum-sucking Leech Bill had its first reading in Parliament yesterday, where it received the Tories' consent and passed unopposed. The Lords are not expected to argue against the Bill, which could become law by June.

Under the new law, anyone convicted of entering the country illegally can be whipped by a member of the Daily Mail editorial team. Columnist with the paper, "Simple" Simon Jaffa, said of the news: "This is a great day for this great nation. Now scum seeking an easy ride from Blair's welfare state will think twice before polluting our Anglo-Saxon culture with their inferior foreign ways."

According to the country's immigration authority, the majority of the leeches come from Albania. Between March 22 and April 15, a total of 21,821 illegal immigrants returned to their countries voluntarily under an amnesty programme. Of the total, 18,972 were Albanians, 1,149 Romanians, 629 Afghan nationals and the rest from 28 other countries. From July, all these people would be subjected to a whipping.

The Daily Mail is very excited about its role and has promised to produce a special "whipping supplement" every Friday showing graphic footage of asylum seekers and immigrants being beaten to within an inch of their lives by its team of correspondents.