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Hangdog Spain to scrap cruel sports

In response to growing hysteria over Spanish claims on Gibraltar, Spaniards are to change their sport-based abuse of animals in order to endear themselves towards residents of the rock.

Out will go hanging greyhounds from a olive tree after racing season and bull fighting and in comes a new sport, provisionally called "Rape The Ape".

The new event will take place in Gibraltar during the hours of darkness, and, it is hoped, help foster greater relations between the two communities. Former Greyhound trainer, Manolo "Three Nooses" Martinez is enthusiastic. "The apes are very agile, and it will be a test of our strength and agility to see who will succeed at this new challenge," he told The Rockall Times.

Another heavily-bearded Spaniard commented: "We have been trying to rape Gibraltarians of their rights for 300 years, so to get a chance to gang-bang their primates is a dream come true for any true patriot."

The apes have so far made no comment, although a Gilbratarian zoologist told us: "I believe this activity will stimulate the apes and provide them with some vigorous exercise which is sorely lacking given the small territory they inhabit." Worries that the Spaniards might breed with the apes have been dismissed however, with geneticists reporting that although similar, the two species' DNA is not close enough to produce viable offspring.

Several leading Spanish sportsmen are already in training for the forthcoming ape-rape season. One told Sportivo Espana he had travelled to the Amazon rain forests in order to attain the necessary tree climbing skills.

All competitors will be equipped with loose fitting trousers and a box of wet wipes, together with 2 brown paper bags — one for the ape's head, the other to cover the competitor's head in case the ape's bag falls off.

If the new sport proves a hit, moves will be made to export it in a similar format to the United Kingdom. Possibilities are though to include "Fuc*k The Fox", "Pump the Pheasant" and "Roger The Rabbit", although the latter is currently the subject of a Warner Brothers court case.

Winston Churchill, who famously coined the phrase "when the apes leave Gibraltar, it will cease to be British" was unavailable for comment last night. Or the night before. Funny.

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