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Government denies masturbation blindness claims

The government was embroiled in another health scare last night following claims by a leading doctor that masturbation causes blindness.

The controversial findings, in a new report by maverick quack and Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Jim Carey, could not have come at a worse time for Tony Blair's embattled administration as it struggles to regain credibility following MMR, Foot and Mouth, GM Foods, tuition fees and so on.

The row centres on published report "Sin cost the NHS £258 million last year" — the result of a two-year study commissioned by the Prime Minister. Although the medical credentials of Dr Carey had been called into question, as head of the Church of England he retains a unique position to cast judgement on 60 million Britons, of which around an estimated three occasionally attend church.

Although the 570-page document touches on a wide range of health-related issues — no sex before marriage, no divorce, no abortion, murdering homosexuals and other state-of-the-art Christian teachings — the 60 pages dedicated to the health risks of tooling off seem to have struck the rawest nerve with Joe Public.

Thousands jammed the Department of Health's special telephone helpline since it was set up ten minutes ago, but as with previous health scares whipped up by a frenzied media, the authorities have appeared slow to respond.

In heated exchanges in the Commons yesterday, Health Secretary Alan Milburn reacted furiously to accusations by Tory health spokesman Dr Fox that the public had lost confidence in the government's policy on spanking the monkey. Mr Milburn dismissed the new findings as an old wives' tale, but nevertheless announced a new £50 million TV campaign stating that bashing the bishop has no effect on eyesight. The two-minute ads will enlist the services of celebrity wrist-action man Jonathan Ross (who reportedly has perfect 20/20 vision) to hammer home this message.

At the climax of the row, Conservative leader Duncain Smith challenged the Prime Minister to come clean about whether in fact he would allow his own sons to "choke the chicken". Mr Blair angrily refused to be dragged into the "wank circus".

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