UK Porn industry in Third World humanitarian airlift

The UK's top-shelf publications have launched a humanitarian initiative to alleviate suffering in famine-gripped Africa, we can reveal.

Leading jazz mags including Mayfair and Penthouse will this month airlift excess semen produced by their publications' employees and models to Red Cross distribution centres from where it will be quickly delivered to the most needy.

The cum protein could potentially save five million lives and provide up to 30,000 aid workers with better complexions.

It is estimated that the letters pages alone of both magazines will produce around 3,000 litres of surplus man juice per issue. "The man on the street will produce about a teaspoon of ejaculate per orgasm," noted Thor Hungstallion of The Erotic Ingest. "He can pull that off once, maybe twice a day. Porn correspondents, on the other hand, can hose down their girlfriend with jizzum, take a quick five-minute break, and then fill two buckets with their prodigious outpourings. Bearing in mind that they can do this repeatedly over a twelve-hour period, it's easy to see that there's an awful lot of protein going to waste."

This is confirmed by Angela, a regular contributor, whose knack of being found scantily clad by visiting builders, postmen and Jehovah's Witnesses has become legendary. "Dave the plumber had got me so hot that I had to collect my love juices in a plastic bowl on the kitchen floor," she panted. "He fuc*ked me over the washing machine until my buttocks bounced like footballs kicked by Pele. 'I'll show you a length of pipe you dirty bitch,' he roared as his filled my box with his delicious creamy come. Twenty minutes later we had filled 16 lemonade bottles with humanitarian aid. That's enough to feed three Sudanese families for a week. Just thinking about their happy, smiling faces is enough to send a little shiver of pleasure through my engorged clit as the man from the water board advances wielding his hideously empurpled probe..."