Pope in porn furnishings bust

The Pope has become personally involved in the ongoing child abuse scandal in the US. Following a tip-off, the Italian authorities broke protocol and raided the Vatican itself yesterday in search of evidence of bizarre Catholic sex practices.

What they found has shocked many and caused most of the remainder to smirk strangely. Details are limited but one picture detailing what officers call "an endemic culture of sauce and filth" shows an outrageous door-knocker on the door of the Pontiff himself.

Consisting a muscular man with outsized testicles that form the knocker mechanism itself, the solid gold furnishing is a symbol of just how far things have got out of hand in the secretive world of cardinal sins, investigators explained.

"Things have gone unchecked at the Vatican for hundreds of years," special agent Franco de Manko told The Rockall Times. "And in an environment where none of them are supposed to be up to any hanky-panky. Well, the dirty buggers have got into all kinds of weird erotica."

Jean Paul Two has defended the furnishing however, claiming it was commissioned by Giacomo della Chiesa aka Benedict XV in 1920, and finished just two weeks before his death two years later. It has since been Pontiff tradition to put it on the door of his personal rooms.

JP Two supplied dated photos as evidence of Chiesa's senile penile needs in which he is pictured playfully licking the monstrous ball-bags. Also evident is the fine workmanship that had gone into the door-knocker, with intricate raised ridges on the testicles themselves now sadly worn away by the caressing hands of two generations of cardinals. The perineum is in particular need of repair.

Among other items under investigation are: inverted drinking taps, torso wardrobes, buttock-based dresser seats and systematic institutional child abuse.

De Manko says that criminal charges are unlikely to be brought against the infallible leader however. "At least the dirty old boy is fingering false, gold testicles instead of the real things attached to young boys."