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Drunken brawls threaten Queen's Golden Jubilee UK tour

Drunken brawls, artistic tantrums and technical difficulties have blighted the start of the Queen's Jubilee tour of Britain, prompting rock and roll commentators to speculate that all remaining gigs may be abandoned.

The shows, arranged to celebrate 50 years of the Queen's reign and showcase Prince Phillip's wicked mastery of his Fender Stratocaster, have been described by many as a fusion of rock, theatre and expensive jewellery, but behind the scenes it seems that a very different scenario is unfolding that places the whole tour in jeopardy.

Speaking backstage to The Rockall Times, Dave "Thumper" Willets, Prince William's drum roadie, explained the tensions that threaten to end the tour almost as soon as it's begun. "Basically right, it comes down to Phillip's love of the booze," snorted Willets. "Now I know rock and booze go together like Gary Glitter and a Bangkok playground, but this guy is really wild man. He seems to have got hold of about 200 cases of gin from somewhere, and he's on to about two bottles a night — once they're down his neck, he can hardly see his guitar, let alone play it."

Reports have also emerged that there is conflict in the Royal camp over which song should end the gig each evening. Whilst it is believed that Prince Phillip favours the upbeat sing along One Is The Champion, a source no less than three feet from the Queen confirmed that Her Majesty is extremely keen to play a self-penned tribute to her recently deceased Mother, cryptically entitled The Empty Wheelchair. "It's a real tear-jerker and true 'from the heart' stuff," explained the source. "It starts quickly, gets a little slower in the middle then slows right down at the end, just like the Queen Mum herself."

This isn't the first Royal tour that has been dogged by difficulties. During a show at the Rock in Rio festival in 1980, the Queen's ceremonial robe was set alight during a "ring of fire" stunt that went awry, whilst a sell-out tour of South Africa in 1992 had to be postponed half way through after Prince Phillip declared to reporters that he couldn't be fuc*ked to carry on, citing the Queen's desire to go "a bit dancey" as the reason.

It is hoped by many however that the Jubilee tour will avoid a similar fate, although tour sponsors Pepsi are concerned that more publicity of the bad boy Prince's behaviour might leave them with no option but to withdraw their support. "It would be a last gasp measure, but we'd pull the funding if we had to," explained Tony Martinez, head of Pepsi's UK marketing department. "Princess Margaret refused to drink our product, and look what happened to her."

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