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Fergie spontaneously combusts

Sir Alex Ferguson has spontaneously combusted, a shocked Manchester United have confirmed. All that is left of the Red Devils' coach is a smouldering right foot encased in an expensive ltalian leather loafer.

Incredibly, the incident was provoked not by the volatile Jock's predictably irate reaction to the Potters Bar rail disaster, nor by his well-known and mounting ire at the Argentinian financial crisis.

"No, he even handled the news of the assasination of Dutch gay politician Pim Fortuyn pretty well, considering the potential repercussions on the Manchester United PLC share prices," confirmed a club insider.

Indeed, early reports suggest that Ferguson's fiery final tantrum was actually caused by football-related news — namely his team's abject failure to take the Premiership title shortly after having their arses whupped by handy German outfit Bayer Leverkusen in the Champions League.

"It's mine, it's mine, it's mine. I want it, I want it, I want it!" Fergie is alleged to have sobbed after it was explained to him that Arsenal would carry off the league trophy due to having more points that United at the end of the season. He then apparently fell to the floor of the dressing room and banged his fists on the floor for three hours in the hope that an indulgent FA might relent.

They did not, and when Ferguson's concerned players broke down the door next morning, it was already too late. A visibly shocked David Beckham, who this week signed a new £86 billion-a-year contract with United, told The Rockall Times: "I'm shattered. He was like a father to me. And he signed my wages cheques. What are me and Posh and little Brooklyn going to do now?"

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