EU to tame Celtic nomenclative tiger

The British government is pressuring the EU for legislation which will eradicate an uncontrolled outbreak of Celtic spelling, we can reveal.

Under the proposals, all Irish parents will be obliged to give their children a name where the pronunciation bears at least some resemblance to the spelling. Where this cannot be acheived, they will be forced to change the name to something plausible or face a heavy fine.

Accented characters are also out, as is the name Sinéad, which will be banned completely "because of that O'Connor woman and her insane rantings on television chat shows".

A spokesman for the UK's Campaign for a Phonetic Future told The Rockall Times: "Names such as Diarmuid and Niamh have caused pandemonium since breaking loose into mainland English. It's terrible, especially given that they are more properly Dermot and Neve, respectively."

A quick straw poll on the streets of Basingstoke seemed to confirm that the proposals have the support of the average Brit. "What the bloody hell is all that about?" shouted a man in a tweed jacket when confronted with the word Siobhán. When asked to speculate on its pronunciation, the man declined. "I'm sorry, it just makes me too angry," he explained in a state of evident confusion.

Experts believe it unlikely that more than a handful of Irish names will stand phonetic transcription. Accordingly, they have published a list of acceptable alternatives:

• Aodhagán = Andy
• Eoghan = Andy
• Daragh = Dave
• Ciaran = Kev
• Cóirbre = Kev
• Críostóir = Chris
• Gearóid = Kev
• Muireadach = Mike
• Oisin = Dave
• Seosamh = Steve
• Tadhg = Tony
• Uinsionn = Kev

• Aoibheann = Ada
• Caoilfhionn = Kate
• Caoimhe = Kate
• Dearbhla = Dierdre
• Fionnabhair = Jenny
• Mairéad = Madge
• Pádraigín = Pat
• Seosaimhín = Sue
• Toireasa = Tracey

Parents whose child's name is not on the list should name their offspring Dave, John or Patrick, whatever their sex.