Microsoft announces MS Linux™

Microsoft supremo Bill Gates today unleashed the next generation operating system on which he sees the company solidfying its monopolistic market position.

"We just found all these pieces of software and stuff on the Web!" Gates enthused from his three-acre coal cellar in Beverley Hills, Redmond. "We spent a few hours downloading it and could not believe what we had. There's everything there, it works great, we are just going to add a few new features and it'll be the next step up from Windows XP. It will be called Microsoft Linux YQ™ and our marketing people have decided on 'Why Queue today?' as their sales slogan."

The Rockall Times asked what exciting improvements Microsoft planned to make to what is already a mature and stable operating system. "We're engineering an Open Source Blue Screen feature, trying to get the thing to segfault every hour or two, so that existing Windows users don't get too worried," Kermit told us. "We think we are onto a workable technique."

He also explained some of the processes behind the new OS: "Steve [Ballmer] is printing out the source code, faxing it to our Moscow office and they are running an OCR program to convert it into Cyrillic script. We've made it show a turquoise screen a couple of times, so it's looking promising."

What about security features? Will Microsoft attempt to improve upon its water-tight system? "Definitely, we want to improve a few of the default settings so that, for example, we can get the mail programs to send marketable details to selected companies who ask for them. At present Linux does not have the ability to send your details to any of Microsoft's business partners without you knowing. Our customers should not be deprived of the wealth of information that email can bring. With MS Linux YQ™ you will only have to look at a computer to be bombarded with special offers and invitations."

And the cost? "Well, in the spirit of Open Source, we'll only be charging for packaging, distribution, marketing and a fair margin for the dealers who sell it. We think the base distribution will cost around £120, with the X-Windows Gold Luxury Upgrade adding a very reasonable £200 for the download edition. The software, such as KOffice™, will be sold through our Cayman-Islands-based European software distributors. All you need do is dial in and download whatever you need free from our server. Naturally, you'll have to pay for the call. We also have a premium-rate fax-back service, where we fax you the source code for whatever software you want, you type it up and off you go with your Open Source program."

Mr Gates also intends to restructure Microsoft to allow programmers free reign on developing the software. "To keep costs down, we are translating all the comments in the code to Quechua," he told us. "Of course, all of our improvements to the source code will be released under the Microsoft Public Licence. Interested programmers can join our accredited developer scheme and once their cheque has been processed, they can freely download the address of the URL where they can buy their copy of the source code. We are forced to charge a modest fee to cover the costs of administration and the hardback leather bound copy of 'Sams Teach yourself Quechua C++' we provide."

As for compatibility with other free unices, Gates told us: "We don't want to see ourselves being held back by amateurs, so if we improve something, we'll incorporate it right away. We see the need for a few changes to some of the libraries to ensure that we provide the maximum degree of compatibility with Microsoft's investment criteria, which may make some third party programs show some instability until the new libraries are released to the public. The release is scheduled for just four years after the library is first adopted, to ensure that it is working correctly before people part with their royalty fees. Again, our quality control speaks for itself. We would not want to sell something that might not work as well as it could."

Finally, we asked if the US courts might not take exception to Microsoft consolidating its controversial stranglehold on the world's computer systems. "Nah," chuckled Gates. "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and render unto Bill that which is Bill's."