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Tory MPs tearfully reunited with kidnapped joke

Conservative MPs are said to be "delighted and relieved" after the safe return of a racist joke, kidnapped from a Westminster meeting room last week.

The gag — a natty four-liner about an Irishman, an Australian and an Indian — was abducted from an MP's filing cabinet three days ago, despite supposed tight security that should have made such a snatch impossible. The subsequent police hunt for the joke finally paid off when officers in the North West, acting on a tip-off from the ghost of Rod Hull, raided the home of an unnamed Liverpudlian comedian, seizing a cache of racist gags that have now been returned to their overjoyed owners.

"For the three days the joke was missing, I can safely say that we were beside ourselves with worry," explained Anthea Ruse, Conservative MP for Basingstoke West and leader of the oppositions "Ethnic Chuckle" department. "This particular gag had only just been hatched, and to think that someone could be so heartless as to snatch it away before we could put it to good use at a rugby club dinner is simply beyond belief. We are all as happy as a Sandboy to have our baby back."

With the safe return of the joke, attention has now turned to how a Liverpudlian with a bubble perm and wearing a shellsuit could enter Westminster unchallenged, remove a confidential gag and escape unhindered. Initial investigations into the security lapse have revealed that the majority of CCTV cameras were not functioning correctly, whilst those that were activated appeared to be trained on the ladies toilets.

Hanz Schmidt, General Manager of Vere Are Your Papers? Ltd, the German-owned security firm contracted to protect the Palace of Westminster, outlined the difficulties of securing the government offices: "What you have to consider is that this place is literally full of racist jokes — you can't go down a single corridor without hearing the one about the Jewish accountant or the fashionable Palestinian woman asking 'does my bomb look big in this?'. If we were to stop every person in possession of such a joke to ask them if it was their property, the important work of government would never get done."

The so far unidentified Liverpudlian comedian has been charged by police with 15 counts of jocular abduction, and if convicted could face a maximum sentence of three years on Channel 5.

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