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US to print health warning on Sun

The US government is to print a health warning on the surface of the Sun, we can reveal.

The drastic move comes in the wake of a flood of litigation from citizens who claim they were "not adequately warned" about the potential dangers from the centre of our solar system.

From next month, the Sun's fiery face will show the words "Warning: Nuclear fusion. May be extremely hot," and "Do not use to dry poodle at distances of less than 83,000,000 miles."

The 10,000 word disclaimer has been carefully formulated to cover every potential legal scenario, from mild sunburn to heat exhaustion. Solar eclipses are also covered, since during totality the Sun's corona will clearly warn hapless Americans that "The US State Department cannot be held responsible for accidents resulting from citizens' failure to make provision for lower light levels during eclipses". Every year, up to 40 Americans fall down unmarked wells along the path of totality. This costs each and every US taxpayer an average of $127 dollars in damages.

Many scientists predict, however, that the initiative may end up costing more than it saves. "To read the disclaimer it's necessary to view the Sun through binoculars or a telescope," one bewildered British boffin told The Rockall Times. "Unfortunately, it's not until you get to clause 137 that you're warned not to read the disclaimer through binoculars or a telescope. By then you've already gone blind."

The US government is undeterred, and will further press ahead with plans to project caveats onto the full Moon stressing the potential physical threat from lunatics and menstruating women.

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