Dad's Army stars slam Botham bitchfest

Ian Botham was slammed today by stars of the BBC sitcom Dad's Army following accusations by the former cocaine-sniffing philanderer and ex-England cricket captain that the current crop of England cricketers are no more than a bunch of Home Guard and train spotting enthusiasts.

Botham, also known as beefy due to his unnatural Elvis-like addiction to mincemeat, went on to slate the team's recent performances and the poor quality of facial hair in the squad.

But England cricket captain Nasser Hussain condemned Botham's comments, saying: "It's not going to do the team's confidence any good if respected members of the drug-taking community keep butting in with headline-grabbing comments."

Oiling the wheels of John "Creepy" Crawleys zimmer frame, he added: "I also have utmost respect for those old fellas who performed so magnificently during the 60s and 70s TV shows, and to tar their names by association to such a disorganised gang of mid-week league in-breeders is totally uncalled for."

A former prostitute friend of Botham said only: "Mmm... mmm.... mmm... that'll be twenty quid please darlin."

Botham's outburst throws in jeopardy the whole Sri Lankan test series, delighting the MCC as members expected to get hammered anyway. In a White House statement, President George Dubya accused the BBC and Botham of supporting Sri Lanka terrorists and threatened to add them as names number 46 and 47 on his "plane of evil".

Dead John Le Mesurier quizzed: "Does anyone fancy a toasted cheese supper and a glass of stout?" While Clive Dunn, who still consumes oxygen, said: "They don't like it up 'em!! Except perhaps commentator Martin Sparrow who by all accounts is a bit of a pillow biter!" Former England wife batterer, Geoffrey Didcott added: "I didn't touch her, she just ran into my fist five times".