Dubya failed to protect nation, 1654 report reveals

President Dubya faced accusations today that he had let down a nation and was responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocents. A report produced just 347 years before the 9 November attacks clearly states al-Qaeda's intentions to hijack aircraft and crash them into US landmarks.

Written in 1654 by intelligence officer N. Damus, the report states: "In the City of God there will be a great thunder, Two brothers torn apart by Chaos, while the fortress endures, the great leader will succumb."

Critics argue that faced with such irrefutable evidence, Bush should have grounded all aircraft in US airspace as soon as they had been invented. Instead, he chose to do nothing, resulting in the deaths of thousands of innocent Afghans.

Dubya refused to accept the accusation, claiming that Damus had prophesied the event and as such he was powerless to prevent it. This held little sway with his political opponents however who insist the president should have continued the presidential tradition of soothsaying.

Ex-president Jimmy Carter revealed recently he used a Ouija board when in power, Richard Nixon is know to have employed several Roman augurs to delve into his opponents' entrails for clues and Bill Clinton used to put his penis into unattractive women to foresee climatic events. Dubya has retained his father's scepticism, however — an error of judgement that caused the Gulf War.

The CIA was also strong in its condemnation of the Texan intellectual, a spokesman telling The Rockall Times: "We also warned Dubya of the threat in 1999, so we can't be blamed for failing to tell the government what was going to happen even though that that is our sole function. Truth be known, once we'd written the report we went back to destabilising socialist countries. Now how 'bout that extra $10 billion to look after the country even better?"