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Rockall launches flagship t-shirt

There's slighly more than fuc*k all on Rockall this morning as we proudly announce the launch of our first exclusive t-shirt.

Tired of drunken Icelanders gobbing off about Rockall? Pub full of Danes claiming sovereignty over the UK's liveliest volcanic outcrop? Rest assured, our cartographical masterpiece will put you on the map and them firmly in their place.

Absolutely no expense has been spared to bring you this 100 per cent cotton premium Rockall Times heritage-approved classic at an affordable £14 inc VAT.

So, where can you get one of this summer's must-have fashion statements? Look no further than Cash'n'Carrion, the merchandising tentacle of the mighty Register. No messing about with order forms, cheques or PayPal, Cash'n'Carrion offers worldwide secure online transactions via Worldpay. It's tried, it's trusted, and it works.

And there's more. For a limited period only, every shirt purchased will be shipped with a FREE stick of Rockall rock, complete with stripes, authentic mint flavouring and everything. Lovingly hand crafted in Great Yarmouth — the UK's rock capital — our candy stick is guaranteed to keep your breath minty fresh and your dentist in work for a year. Marvellous.

Now, in the spirit of celebration surrounding the launch of our first merchandising spin-off, we're giving away no less that FIVE t-shirts to our talented and witty readers.

All you have to do for a chance to win is think up a suitably droll caption for this photograph:

The snap shows someone apparently called Iain Duncan Smith, leader of the UK's Tory party, limbering up before a five-a-side football match against the cream of Britain's illegal immigrant population.

Proof, were it needed, that fact is sometimes stranger than satire. Indeed, this shameless publicity stunt shows that the Tories intend to give asylum seekers a brisk cardio-vascular workout before dispatching them unceremoniously back to the stinking third-world hell-hole from whence they came. And when they do get back to France, Jean Marie le Pen will doubtless challenge them to a swift game of boules for the benefit of the cameras and then hand the whole lot over to the Gestapo.

But we digress. For those of you not familiar with Duncain Smith — and that includes about 90 per cent of the UK population — he's the bald bloke second from right. All you have to do is attach a caption to this happy moment and email it to us here. The five funniest captions, as judged by us, will get the shirts and be entered as Rockall's entry in the War on Terror™ five-a-side contest to take place in Norwich in September some time.

There will be ten runners-up prizes of a stick of Rockall rock. Go to it.

Rules

• Competition ends at 5.00pm BST on Friday 24 May
• Competition is not open to anyone from the Tory party press office
• Winners will be announced in our issue of 27 May

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