This is how England can win the World Cup

I must confess I have never had much of a liking for Association Football, finding the whole thing rather raucous and uncouth. Lots of men running about and sliding all over the floor. Horrible. Cricket is the proper game for a gentleman and so it shall always be.

However, the power this game of football has on the common folk should never be underestimated. The slightest victory has them dancing in the streets; the merest loss, rampaging in our neighbourhoods and provoking the boys in blue to issue some swift justice. However, let us remember a very clear truth: a happy people are an easily governable people.

It is for this reason I have put my mind to solving the apparently pressing problem of ensuring England's football team performs well at the world championships in Asia next month. It would seem that we have an above average side for the competition this year, and many were in hope of us getting close to the final. Well, perhaps the quarter final. But even that feat would certainly cause a huge boost in morale for the working man.

Sadly, it would seem as though our team is suffering from several late injuries to the squad, making a decent performance increasingly unlikely. There has been endless discussion, I understand, about how to sort this problem out and as yet no solution.

Well, I am pleased to announce I have arrived at an answer. Not entirely by myself, I might add. The plan was carefully formulated between myself and my old friend Alan Lennox-Boyd who you may remember as the colonial secretary of Cyprus until we decided to leave the locals to it in 1959.

After much thought over an enormous array of possibilities, it suddenly became crystal clear. If we were to institute a careful policy of partitioning, we could easily help England past their group and through into the quarter finals.

The plan is simplicity itself. First, we must separate the left side of France from its gallic masters and claim ownership in the name of Her Majesty The Queen. This has the immediate advantage of providing us with several world-class players to make up for our own deficit. It also weakens the French, which, aside from always being a good idea, is important since we may face them after the group games and they are believed to be one of the best teams in the world currently.

Germany, as with every aspect of British life, is yet again a major obstacle in football matches, I am told. For this reason, we shall simply split the country up into advantageous sections. We will reintroduce West and East Germany and also add in North and South Germany while there for the very simple reason that it is a hundred times easier to make all the changes in one go rather than return with a different set of plans. Do it once, do it right.

The second part of the plan regards South America. Since Argentina resides in our group, and again it is a worthy opponent in the game of football, it will cut into four countries. The Argentineans retain their capital Buenos Aires but to the north, Camponia is formed. To the south, two new countries: Argieland, and The Falklands — that we shall adjoin to the British islands off the coast and take control of with a company of our finest fusiliers.

And while in South America, the only remaining job to do is separate the finest footballing nation into more manageable chunks. I refer of course to Brazil, which will be made into 19 new countries, greatly reducing its ability to put out a world-class team. Brazil itself will consist of the rain forests and lands around the Amazon. Meanwhile, the coastal area will be split up and named in full appreciation of the country's fiery temperament.

Thus, the main cities will be given great kudos by having countries named after them: Rio, Paulo, Salvador and Recife. Then the remainder will be named after the country's winning 1958 World Cup team (Santos, Zito, Bellini, Orlando, Gilmar, Garrincha, Didi, Pele, Vava, Zagallo), two other exceptional soccer stars (Socrates, Zico), and the current favourite Reinaldo.

With these partitions carefully implemented and policed during the tournament England's progress should be almost an inevitability. Then, once it is over, we shall retire to Blighty and allow the locals to sort out internal disputes between themselves. It's worked before and it is certain to work again (Alan tells me the Cyprus government still inquires about his whereabouts whenever they speak to Whitehall. Sadly, there are prevented from handing out those details so Alan is never able to receive the islanders' blessings.)

Now, there is a problem with this. As there always is with a spot of partitioning. Except in this case it's not warring tribes or centuries-old boundaries, or even geological hiccups. This time it is time itself. It would seem we only have a fortnight to implement the entire scheme — something that galls even me.

However, I am certain with some hard work and good old-fashioned British steel and efficiency, we can get this done in time for the first match of the Cup. And then, with that problem solved, and the British people once again revelling in the joy of their masters' organisation, we can all settle down for a drink or two on the balcony of the MCC as we thrash the bloody nig-nogs by an innings and a century of runs.

I enclose my detailed plans for the countries in question. If we could start putting up the new border posts by Wednesday at the latest, I calculate we will have a few days leeway should anything take longer than expected.

Sir Cyril Radcliffe drew up the internationally-recognised borders for India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Kashmir in 1947. Alan Lennox-Boyd was a major figure behind solving the conflict in Cyprus by putting a border straight down the middle of the island in 1959. Both of them practice auto-erotic asphyxiation.

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