Harry Potter to 'kick butt' in new film

Warner Bros executives have demanded radical changes to the new Harry Potter film having seen a rough cut of the movie this week and decided it is too British.

An insider at Warner Bros told The Rockall Times: "We like our heroes to kick some butt. American audiences just don't identify with Hogwarts and a bunch of British kids talking with strange accents. The guy who plays Harry will remain, but the rest of the cast will have to go."

The first film of the popular children's books, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone broke box office records worldwide, but studio bosses are concerned that it failed to knock action-thriller Dead Meat from the number one spot in the USA. It also failed to win any Oscars.

The insider continued: "In the new cut, the Dursley family are murdered by Voldemort and Harry goes to live with a family in Los Angeles. Hogwarts is burned down so Harry attends The Palm Beach School for Wizards and Witches. He will be in the newly named Washington house and the other houses are, California, Texas and Afghanistan — the old Slytherin house at Hogwarts."

Britney Spears is considering the role of Hermione and Leonardo Dicaprio is in line as Harry's best friend Ron. Screenplay writers are working on a love triangle scenario. Russell Crowe is undecided about the part of Professor Snape but John Goodman from Roseanne is delighted about being offered the part of Hagrid. Robert De Niro has been offered a reported $10 million to play the part of Professor Dumbledore the headmaster.

An illiterate spokesman at Warner Bros told reporters: "We are only planning a few minor adjustments to keep up the public's interests. The game of Quidditch will be a major part of the third film. Players will have padding like American footballers and Harry will play for the Los Angeles Bats in the World Series against other American teams. Harry's broomstick will be a Nike 3000 and everyone will drink Coca cola instead of Butterbeer."

And in a controversial move, Harry's wand is to be replaced with an automatic pistol. The spokesman explained: "Kids these days don't believe in wands so Wizards will carry good old American firearms. You're not going to tell me this Voldemort guy can be defeated with a small piece of wood, now who's going to believe that?"