House prices quite literally a postcode lottery, survey shows

A survey published today has revealed how the price of your home is quite literally a "postcode lottery". The latest data, published by a leading UK building society has sent shockwaves through the industry.

One analyst spoke exclusively to The Rockall Times. "It's absolutely astonished me. A house costing £20,000 in an HU postcode (Hull) could cost up to 10 times more in NW4 (Hampstead, London). What we're seeing here are vast inequalities around the UK."

It is believed to be the first time that a survey has linked a house's location to how much it costs. Preliminary findings have found that in general, houses located in postcodes in the south-east of England cost much more than those elsewhere.

As the news broke, hundreds of desperate house owners began preparations for relocation. A four-bedroomed semi-detached house from Middlesboro has already been seen trundling down the M1 in search of a more plausible postcode. Government officials have warned that the mass movement of houses could lead to extra congestion on Britain's roads.

"We're certainly expecting these findings to lead to a lot of house movements in the coming weeks. We urge people to allow extra time for their journeys, and to be especially vigilant for rows of northern terraced housing weaving across dual carriageways."

Residents in the south-east are, meanwhile, bracing themselves for the mass influx of previously worthless bricks and mortar. Several Basildon residents blockaded a small roundabout waving placards declaring "Pikeys Out" and "We don't want your Highland crofter's cottage here mate!" One man in his 50s was seen polishing a huge demolition ball.

Police say they are ready for any civil unrest that may occur. One chief constable was quoted as saying: "After the recent pay row, my officers will give anyone who tries anything a beating they won't forget." Local Authorities are placing hospitals on the highest levels of alert, insisting they keep at least two corridors free for victims.

The relocation frenzy is not expected to slow for some time, unless the Bank of England acts quickly to upgrade some of Britain's least desirable postcodes.