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Humming is theft, record bosses claim

In their continuing struggle to selflessly save the musicians of the world from penury, all of the leading record company executives have pledged to "stamp out free humming, wherever it may occur".

"For years people have gone about humming their favourite songs whenever it took their fancy. Normally this would be a source of pleasure. But this pleasure came at the expense of lots of hard work from the musicians who are clearly not getting any compensation for this," screamed an indignant Rilary Hosen of the Recording Industry Association of America.

To further prove that the RIAA's motivation is not selfish, she flourished statistics which prove that artists only get about 2.3 per cent of all money that their work generates. "So they really need every penny they can get," sniffled Ms. Hosen through a cascade of tears.

Support from Washington was quick and emphatic. Industry friend and free-thinker Senator Fritz Lolling made the following statement: "Anyone who hums and does not pay is a no-good-thieving, commie, kiddie-porn-loving, drunk-driving, smoke-in-no-smoking section, rat bastard."

The movement has also won widespread support from several of the lesser-known stars of yesterday. At a local Burger King, ex-super star Vanilla Ice was despondent over the lack of money from those who hum his songs.

"Why shouldn't I get more money? I want it. I want it. I want it. Do you think I like eating cat food every day? Everyone else gets paid for work they did 15 years ago, why not musicians?" said a confused VI.

The record companies did not, however, make it clear as to how exactly the "humming rights tax" would be collected. There have been suggestions that a levy similar to those on blank CDs and other media might be a model to follow. Every one who has a larynx (and thus has the ability to hum without paying) could be subject to a fixed yearly fee.

"I think it is up to the end users of larynxes to prove that they have substantial other non-copyright infringing uses than humming songs for free. Mute people and those with serious throat cancer would be excluded from this new levy," said a salivating Rilary.

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