Policy announcement: Jamie Oliver

Celebrity chef and Sainsbury's endorser Jamie Oliver has had a remarkable rise. We would say meteoric except that doesn't actually make any sense. In a little over two years, he has gone from a small, low-key cooking programme on BBC2 to becoming a tabloid celeb with several ghost-written columns, numerous books and seemingly endless TV series under his belt. He is not poor.

While we would like to point out that Mr Oliver is not a top chef by any stretch of the imagination, it is only fair to mention that his original verve and clear delight and passion for cooking made his appearance as a TV chef a welcome relief from the endless gibbering walking egos that had previously characterised this niche profession.

Unfortunately, since those auspicious beginnings, Mr Oliver has tended to rely more and more heavily on his mannerisms and less on his enthusiasm for cooking. Over time, this has led to the peculiar situation where the appearance of the exuberant young man on a television screen prompts millions of viewers to exclaim: "Get that mockney twat off my telly."

However, we are an optimist bunch at the The Rockall Times and we firmly believe that any situation may be reversed. It is with this aim in mind (and bearing in mind the likelihood that advice from The Times will not be given the appropriate attention) that we have formulated our official policy towards the young gentleman.

If we were to bump into Mr Oliver, our opening gambit would be to engender trust between us. Something like: "What is your fuc*king problem, Oliver?" Then, we would attempt to persuade him that by turning down his cheeky persona, he may benefit in the long run. Again, something along the lines of: "You really get on my tits."

Then, we would try to impress upon him the negative association many people have with him by punching him hard on the nose, and uttering some appropriate put-down like "not so fuc*king pukka now are you?"

If, of course, we do not run into the gastronomic geezer, we shall continue our default policy of ignoring him at every available opportunity.