The Rockall Times™ trademarks The Rockall Times™

If you look very, very closely at the site's masthead you may note the two letters "T" and "M". Separately, they mean nothing but together they represent The Rockall Times' foray into world capitalism and global fuc*kery.

Yes, because we at The Rockall Times are delighted to announce that we own the words "The Rockall Times". We've got a bloody trademark on them.

Why, you say? Two reasons. One, in looking at our stats, we noticed a disproportionate amount of interest from media giants Bertelsmann and AOL-Time Warner. A few phones calls later and our sources had revealed the two monsters were about to embark on a turf war to seize the Rockall name. Figures of £10 million were being bandied around.

But we thought No! Actually, we said "No!" No, we exclaimed "NO!" This cannot be, we said. We shall not be defeated by the global forces of capitalism or even by a mad old drunk. And so we consulted the capitalism textbook How to screw everyone and make the world a worse place but not give a shi*t because you're loaded and discovered trademarking was the way forward.

And so we — get this — paid some lawyers to do it for us and they duly did. We are officially trademark number 2287543. Check it out. What do you think of that huh?

Strangely though, this brush with capitalism gave us a taste for blood. As soon as we owned us, we went on a terrifying rampage through the Patent Office, tearing up paper, smashing desks and overturning clerks in the search for someone to sue. We wanted power, influence, lawyers — lots of lawyers. We wanted to fuc*k someone over.

The next morning, with a dry taste in our mouths, we reflected on the madness and slipped into depression at the realisation that no one had anything in relation to the trademark that we could sue them over. Although the gannets have set up a protest site which we may take them to WIPO over.

So there we go. If you want the same mad rush, visit a lawyer today and trademark something, anything. It'll only cost you about £700.

Oh Christ, what have we done?