The Jubilee Years in pictures: 1993—2002

The final chapter to fifty years of the reign of her Imperial Majestyness Queen Elizabeth II

by Lester Haines

1993: Treaty of Maastricht

1993

It's hard now to imagine a more white-knuckle start to the countdown to fifty years of the reign of her Imperial Majestyness Queen Elizabeth II than John Major's epoch-making signing of the Maastricht treaty.

This ground-breaking document, known also as the Treaty of Maastricht, commits Britain and its European allies to a radical raft of legislative measures and economic co-operation. Nobody, however, has the faintest idea what these might be and the EU continues on its time-honoured course of bickering and beef burning.

1994: The Channel Tunnel

1994

Eurotunnel succeeds where Napoleon failed and Britain is physically joined to continental Europe for the first time. The fantastic engineering achievement that is the Channel Tunnel slashes Paris-London journey times for bogus asylum seekers to two hours and creates thousands of new jobs for security guards around the French terminal.

Initial British scepticism soon turns to overt enthusiasm as a new generation of chunnel-borne illegal dishwashers ensure the future of the UK's catering industry.

1995: Robson and Jerome

1995

Indulging in its ancient tradition of once in a while taking a complete rest from doing anything worthy of note, the UK takes a back seat in world affairs.

TV thespos Robson and Jerome prove to be the perfect accompanyment to this siesta, delighting the nation's ears with their unchallenging rendition of Unchained Melody. All is well.

1996: British beef banned

1996

Turn up the stereo as much as we might, Brits cannot for long ignore the sound of belligerent Frenchies wafting through the Channel Tunnel.

Amid fears that UK mad cow beef will turn their children's brains to jelly, France bans its importation. While British mums continue to demonstrate faith in the product, with only a few dozen resultant deaths from CJD, our Gallic neighbours stick with their proven policy of bringing their kids up on red wine, songbirds and Gauloises.

1997: Lady Di dead

1997

Suddenly, concerns about killing your children with beefburgers pale into insignificance as a shocked world learns that Diana, Princess of Wales, has been killed in a high-speed car chase with French paparazzi.

Millions of Brits weep openly as the realisation that their "Queen of Hearts" will no longer touch those hearts in that special way that only she could.

As the queues to lay floral tributes stretch a distance equivalent to encircling the equator eleven times, there is mounting anger at what many see as the monarchy's part in Diana's demise. However, it later transpires that the drugged-up and drunken Frenchman driving the car is to blame, so that's alright.

It seems at the time that the nation will never recover from the tragic loss of their favourite princess. But a year later nobody's that bothered any more, except Harrods owner and illegal immigrant Mohammed al Fayed.

Amid the hysteria, the Labour Party slip into office unnoticed for the first time in 18 years.

1998: The Good Friday agreement

1998

Thirty years of bloody strife in Northern Ireland appear finally to be over when the Good Friday agreement is signed. Sadly, the signatories have evidently not seen the film of the agreement — The Long Good Friday.

If they'd taken even a couple of hours to watch this classic, or got on the trumpet to lead Bob Hoskins, they might have had some inkling of how the whole sorry mess would end.

As it is, Sinn Fein walk out of the Northern Ireland Assembly after failing to agree with loyalist groups as to a suitable fabric for the seat covers. Within days, everybody is back to shooting everybody in the kneecaps and the province knuckles down to another 30 years of sectarian madness.

1999: Total eclipse

1999

Even more hyped than a Star Wars preview, the total eclipse of the sun is scheduled to be visible across south-western England on 11 August.

Local B&B prices prove strangely prone to sudden increase under the influence of this solar event, although thousands still make the pilgrimage in the hope of sharing the once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Of course, the entire event is rendered invisible by thick cloud cover. This is Britain, after all.

2000: The Millennium Dome

2000

Since we in the UK have a long tradition of improving on nature, the government decides to put the solar eclipse debacle in the shade with a epic anti-climax of its own.

Cue the Millennium Dome, a project so costly that it would be cheaper to give every man, woman and child in the land £80,000 in cash, a Caribbean holiday and a ten-year exemption from income tax.

Still, the nation finds enough cash down the back of the sofa to celebrate the millennium. A new age is upon us.

2001: Foot-and-mouth

2001

How better to herald the dawn of the second thousand years since a carpenter's son ended up nailed to a cross than with a mediaeval plague?

Foot-and-mouth prowls the countryside as the policy of killing animals for food once again proves disastrous. Weeping farmers, consoled only by huge MAFF cheques, struggle to contain the epidemic. Amid the tragedy there is, nevertheless, cause for hope as calf Phoenix rises from the ashes despair — unlike the World Trade Centre which falls down permanently on 9 November.

The disease is finally brought under control when the media and population lose interest.

2002: Gawd bless yer ma'am!

2002

The Golden Jubilee year of our beloved monarch begins badly as Liz Two loses both sister Margaret and Liz Episode I the Queen Mum in short order.

A shocking loss, but over the last fifty years there has been much laughter punctuated only occasionally by tears. And now the tears must give way once again to laughter as the nation unfurls its bunting and doffs its paper hat as we prepare to say: Gawd bless yer ma'am — Here's to the next 50!