I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Caption competition a success!

Well, thank God for that. We were worried for a while that our readership may consist entirely of humour-challenged halfwits. We were planning a TV series based on Big Brother to compensate.

But no, second time around and it would appear that several people at least have some concept of what is an amusing caption on what was, frankly, a picture dying for one. Full marks go to those of you that took last week's stinging criticism and had another crack at it this week. Sadly, none of you won. Perhaps caption writing isn't your thing. Have you ever thought of accountancy?

Sadly, the vast majority of entries from you dirty buggers were sex-based. But then perhaps given the nature of the picture, it was inevitable. To refresh your memory, here is the snap in question:

And the first five winners — who will each win a sensational Rockall T-shirt (by the way, do us a favour and email your addresses to competition@therockalltimes.co.uk — it's safer that way) are (in first-name alphabetical):

Andy Pearce for: "Both Eurovision presenters simultaneously discover a bug in Nokia's experimental new silent alert unit."

Ches for: "When Terry Wogan said he wanted more exposure this year we didn't think he meant literally"

Dave Evans for: "The Eurovisual masturbation contest reaches climax "

Mike Gardner for "We met at the Estonia school of dentistry"

Ray Bayley for: "Your penis? I thought I had hold of my penis"

Many of the entries opted for the anal angle. Also, oddly, since the next ten winners will receive a stick of absolutely incredible Rockall rock, we've decided that if someone put in a good second entry they can also win in the second category. We may have to revise this next time. As such, the ten fabulous winners that will have a piece of rock winging its way to them as soon as we get their addresses are (in no particular order):

Drew for: "Who thought the double-ended dildo was a good idea?"

Andy Pearce for: "Sadly, Marko and Annely both completely misunderstood the instruction to not suck as badly as the songs" [A good caption but we would discourage the use of the ubiquitous verb "suck" as religiously repeated by our American cousins]

Ches for: "And this Estonia's entrants in the mixed suprise rectal examination contest are..."

Will Bhandari for: "The anal probe pact was soon regretted"

Michael Lockey for: "It's Owain Glyndwr of Ceyemu- Cirer- Kym... It's Wales, and get your hand out of me"

Steve Warner for: "It's no good, her love eggs are interfering with the autocue"

Fitz Busher for: "New competition. Spot the Brain Cell"

Jdale767 for: "Is that your Rockall rock or are you just pleased to see me Marco?" [Well, flattery gets you everywhere]

Darren Kinder for: "Ooooo - klahoma!"

Jeff for: "The camera catches the Eurovision presenters at the moment the German entry's fireball finale goes awry"

So, what of the failed captions? Well, some bore almost no relevance to what the picture showed, while others bore no relevance to the accepted notions of logic and human understanding. Are we going to embarrass people by listing the worst ones? Of course.

Mike Gardner very kindly sent us about four or five captions, none of which we liked. But this one, well, what on earth was going on in your head Mike? "Well she can't go in goal, she's only got one arm" [Yes, yes, it was for last week's pic — but if you don't read the rules, expect mockery]

What about Janice Sayer? "No, you idiot, it's a Tallinn contest not a talent contest". We know where you're going with this Janice but you forgot one vital element: it should be funny.

We still don't know if this was an entry from Bob Builder or if it was a comment on the fact we ran a second competition: "You're giving these dumb bastards another chance?"

Prize for most unthinking caption goes to James Harris for "Ooohh, Suits you sir". James, all you've done is quote a catchphrase from a comedy programme. Why not go with "Nice to see you to see you nice"? Must try harder.

And lastly, Dave Oliver's entry had potential were it not for the fact it's nonsense. "Having been absent from our screens for many years, viewers were surprised to see this year's Eurovision song contest hosted by Sid Little and Eddie Large

That's all folks. Well, til next time.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Information’ index page