Nuclear war 'not in anyone's interests' Bush, master statesman, claims

President Bush this week delivered clear evidence that he is a statesman on the top of his game as he declared nuclear war "not in India and Pakistan's best interests".

As he prepares to send US secretary of state Ronald Dumsfeld to prevent all-out warfare between the two countries, Bush attracted widespread support for his analysis.

"Bush is spot on," one defence analyst told The Rockall Times. "It's unlikely that the deployment of nuclear weapons will further either country's cause in the disputed territory of Kashmir. That's because everybody will be dead, you see."

"You can say what you like about Dubya," added the Mayor of Hiroshima, "but he's really got a handle on this nuclear weapon business. Speaking from personal experience, I can say that a fiery atomic conflagration puts a real downer on your day."

Meanwhile, Pakistani and Indian diplomats are struggling to avert what many believe is the real nightmare scenario — another stern lecture from UK foreign secretary Jack Straw.