Why football is the answer to the world's problems

I have to say that I've never been a great fan of football. It all seems so ridiculous to have men running around on grass trying to kick a ball into a net. Until that was, a female friend of mine pointed out that football has lots of men running around, getting sweaty and tearing their tops off whenever they get a goal. I've been hooked ever since.

And so it was that I was sat in Kettner's champagne bar with my friend Rachael who works for Donna Karen and the pop star Louise — who's actually married to a footballer — avidly watching the game between England and Argentina. No one's delight was greater than mine when David Beckham scored his goal (although what the Argentine defence thought it was doing, God only knows). But just at that moment it occurred to me — why not solve all our problems with a game of football?

Think about it. In the First World War, they had a game of football in no-man's land and shortly afterwards the war was over. Who's to say the same can't be done with Pakistan and India? Israel and Palestine? What if Gerry Adams had a kick about with Tony Blair and David Trimble? Not that the sight would be as appealing for us women, but if it would help these men get over their problems with one another, it's a game I'd watch.

Your delightful columnist has been shortlisted for two awards. Firstly, Talented Young Writer of the Year by Heat magazine. And secondly, Rear of the Year by Bombed. Of course, my feminist instincts made me recoil from the second award and obviously the first is far more dear to me. But if I'm being completely honest, I have to admit that I secretly want to win Rear of the Year. You know what I mean, don't you girls? What men don't seem to realise these days is that we want to be treated as equals but then we also like to be appreciated. A woman goes to a lot of trouble with her appearance, so come on guys, let us know you notice. And vote for me in the poll of course.

And lastly, a ticking off for those people at the Department of Transport. Again. This time they were caught trying to find dirt on the survivors of the Hatfield crash. Dear oh dear. I hope they sort themselves out soon or I may be tempted to find out what is really going on. You have been warned.