New Labour transport masterplan humiliated

New Labour's transport plan for the next century lay in ruins tonight after its plans to prevent Britain's road becoming clogged up like a constipated bowel were treated to some colonic irrigation.

The report was foreshadowed as a radical look at the transport system with much blue-sky thinking, usually out of the box and notable for a lack of sacred cows but quickly lost support when people actually read it.

Environmental pressure groups were enraged about the stated intention to "Pave Paradise and put up a (pay and display) parking lot". Other hotspots include the plan to entire replace Britain's railway lines by 2004. The tracks will be ripped up by 468 different companies and sold for half the money it cost to do so, ensuring our loss-making rail heritage is saved forever.

Buses will also cease to be in the near future and the last passenger service: Wonderful Yorkshire's Wonderful Horseless Traction Bus Company's Garglethorpe to Scummerton service will depart at 6 am on 5 June 2005, arriving at it's destination, three miles down the road, 18 months later.

Taxis will also be phased out, with drivers given a rehabilitation course to help them get over the urge to explain how better to run the country and bang the world to rights. Instead, the hot air produced by the Labour Party and the redundant taxi drivers will fuel British transport on a new fleet of balloons; 784 yards of pointless cycle ways will be painted on roads in 48 separate towns in Britain; and motorway congestion will be solved permanently by closing them to cars and HGVs.

Petrol stations will be systematically closed down until the remaining ones are so far apart it is impossible to drive from one to another. In the advent of more efficient cars, a gradual eradication of petrol stations is planned until there is only one left. Should this take place, the last remaining petrol station in the UK will be on Rockall.